Guiding Principles of
Gender Equity Parenting

How Self-Awareness relates to Gender Equity.

Self-awareness is the first and foremost principle because all our effort and intention toward gender equity is useless without us being continually aware of our part in every interaction:  our biases, expectations, fears, comfort zones, interpretations, judgments, taboos, and blind spots related to biological sex, gender roles and stereotyping.

What we say and do matters. Our words, tone of voice, facial expressions, level of enthusiasm, and body language matter.  Our social conditioning influences so much of our behavior that we can unknowingly be perpetuating gender stereotypes with every interaction.**  While this may seem daunting at first, we can use our influence to decrease the harm of all of these things. That’s the great news.

Examples of what Self-Awareness looks like in an adult.

• Someone who can hear their inner dialogue without expressing it or acting on it.
• An adult who acknowledges they will have sexist thoughts because they’ve* been raised by (and live in) a sexist culture.
• Someone who is thoughtful about the words they say.
• An adult who knows they are filtering everything they experience through only their own perspective, so their view isn’t the only one.
• Someone who continues to learn about themselves and their impact on others.
• An adult who is able to notice the feelings that come up when they’re watching or with their child, and how these feelings relate to sexism. These feelings might include pride, anxiety, shock, disgust, disdain, satisfaction, anger, sadness, delight, fear, and boredom.
• Someone who is willing to have conversations about gender, sexism, patriarchy, and stereotypes (as well as other biases) to increase their awareness.

Examples of how we can teach Self-Awareness to our child.

• Listen to our child when they share what they’re feeling and thinking, even if it’s negative. This will build their own self awareness.
• Talk about social conditioning, implicit bias, and how we recognize them in ourselves.
• Discuss times when we found out we’ve hurt, insulted or angered someone unintentionally, how we made amends, and what we learned to do differently.
• Be introspective. Ask ourselves questions, such as:  What makes me feel good when I look at my child? What does my child do that makes me uncomfortable? What do I like people to notice about my child? What do I not want my child to do when other people are watching? What does my child do that makes me feel like a good parent? What does my child do that makes me feel like I’m a lousy parent? What activities would I never sign my child up for? What activity would I never do with my child?

* I am using “they/their/theirs/them/themselves” as singular pronouns.
**   Implicit bias. For more information, go to https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/

How Reciprocity relates to Gender Equity

We can easily become oblivious to how we are personally benefitting from the unequal allocation of resources in life based on gender:  the opportunities, privileges, attention, access, credibility, influence, etc. 

Reciprocity asks us to pay attention to the other people in our world and see how we can pave the way for a fairer distribution of resources.

Examples of what Reciprocity looks like in an adult.

• Making the effort to find out the salary ranges of your job and seeing if you are earning a higher salary than others doing the same job. Learning to advocate for more transparent compensation at work and sharing negotiation strategies among your colleagues.
• Noticing when you have received more praise, attention, bonuses, privileges, invitations or promotions compared to others who are working equally hard, if not harder. Becoming someone who publically acknowledges others’ hard work and advocates for their advancement and rewards.
• Stopping to realize that your spouse is doing more of the difficult, dirty, high-responsibility or boring tasks of raising a family or managing a household. Taking initiative to learn new skills and applying yourself so you can be of more help to your family and spouse. (Sometimes it’s helpful to thinking of what you would need to do if you lived alone.)
• Noticing you have more free time than your spouse. Carving out time in your schedule so your spouse can have an equal amount of free time.
• Seeing that others are doing the preparation and clean-up for gatherings that you benefit from. Looking at what is being done at gatherings and contributing more actively with food, washing the dishes, etc.
• Recognizing when friends keep checking in on you and inviting you to do fun activities. Checking in on them and inviting them to do fun activities, too.
• Noticing that you are talking a majority of the time in a conversation. Holding some of your thoughts, encouraging others to share their ideas, and truly listening to what they have to say (i.e. not thinking ahead of what you’re going to say when they’re done talking).
• Noticing that you routinely don’t put equal weight on your spouse’s opinions or needs, even on subjects that impact them. Learning new skills so you can participate in effective negotiations with your spouse and achieve a solution that is equally beneficial to both of you.

Examples of how we can teach Reciprocity to our child.

• Be a role model of reciprocity in our own lives by being more intentional about our giving and receiving. Talk about and explain reciprocity when it’s happening or happened.
• Explain to our child when we have received something meaningful from someone, such as kind words, a consideration (such as letting us go first or speaking up on our behalf), a hug, a note, time, a conversation, an invitation or a gift. Share our feelings and why the giving was meaningful to us, such as “I felt so good after he listened to me. I know what I want to do now” or “Her hug let me know that I’m cared about no matter what happens.”
• Explain to our child when we are giving to someone and why. “I can tell my friend is feeling discouraged so I’m mailing him this card,” “I’m making two dinners so I can take one over to our neighbor who is recovering from a surgery,” or “I’m planning a dinner party so we and our friends can have a fun night.”

Explain reciprocity more specifically when that feels appropriate. Here are some examples:

• “My friend has had us over for dinner several times and I want to return that kindness. I’m not able to host a dinner here, but I am making a delicious picnic for us to all enjoy at the park.” 
• “I’ve had some extra free time lately, so I want to make sure your other parent has a fair amount of free time, too. I am marking the calendar for when I can be home with you.”
• “I’ve had plans with my friends two weekends in a row. I’m going to suggest your other parent has some time with friends.” 
• “How nice of that driver to let me into the lane. That reminds me to do that, too.”

When you notice an imbalance in your child’s behavior, you can have a conversation about it. Some examples are:

• “I noticed your friend has invited you over several times. What do you think of inviting them* over sometime?” 
• “Your sibling cleaned the dishes so you could finish your school project. What would be a nice thing to do for your sibling?”
• “It can feel good when friends remember our birthdays. What would be a nice thing to do for your friend’s birthday?”
• “I notice you have your Christmas list ready for what you want. I’d like to see a list with gift ideas for your family.”

*I am using “they/their/theirs/them/themselves” as singular pronouns.

How Full Personhood relates to Gender Equity

Our culture has split the qualities of being a human being into two parts, and labeled them either feminine or masculine. Because of this split, most people are socialized into being only half of what they are capable of. Aggressiveness, being good with numbers, and brave under pressure have been categorized as masculine, for example, while the qualities of being gentle, good with emotions and words, and scared under pressure have been categorized as feminine.

Some people, seeing a problem with this split, have encouraged men to embrace their “feminine side” and suggested that women try being “like a man.” This feeds sexism rather than dismantles it. It perpetuates the belief that to be purely feminine, in other words a “true” woman, one cannot be good with numbers, brave or aggressive, and to be purely masculine, in other words a “true” man, one cannot be scared, good with words or emotions, or gentle.

Full Personhood rejects the labels of feminine and masculine all together and instead calls all qualities “human” qualities. Full Personhood encourages individuals to develop all their human qualities and acknowledge all their emotions, so they can reach their full potential and respond in the healthiest, most helpful way possible to each situation.

Examples of what Full Personhood looks like in an adult.

• Someone who can feel sadness, fear, guilt or anger without shame, hurting others, or hurting themselves.*
• Someone who is able to witness others feeling sadness, fear, guilt or anger without shaming or hurting them.
• An adult who can identify and feel more than fifteen different emotions (and isn’t stuck in merely sad/not sad or angry/not angry).
• Someone who doesn’t need to insult or hurt others to feel safe or valued.
• Someone who can speak up for what they want or need without harming others.
• An adult who doesn’t expect others to take care of them, clean up after them, financially support them, or meet their needs in a one-sided way.
• Someone who doesn’t hand their well-being over to someone else.
• An adult who is able to be as aggressive, gentle, selfish, or giving as any situation in front of them* warrants, and doesn’t have to filter out every option that would make them not “man enough” or not “feminine enough.”
• Someone who allows other people to be whatever they need to be in a situation and would never joke or judge someone as not being “man” enough, “feminine” enough or not a “lady.”
• An adult who pays attention to how they* are feeling, what they value, and their impact on others to guide their decisions and actions.
• Someone who can walk away from an invitation to physically fight and still know they* are a whole, valuable person.
• Someone who can witness someone else walk away from an invitation to physically fight and not shame them.
• Someone who can “cause a scene” and, if necessary, physically defend themselves when they are being harassed and still know they are a whole, valuable person.
• Someone who can witness someone causing a scene and not shame them.
• An adult who can have others be mad at them* and still know they are a whole, valuable person.
• Someone who can be true to themselves (with their actions) even when the status quo says they are “wrong.” Note:  this relates to actions that don’t hurt other people.
• An adult who can witness someone else doing an activity, or express themselves in a way, that is against the status quo and not make them wrong.

Examples of how we can teach Full Personhood to our child.

• Respect all of our child’s emotions, as well as our own emotions and the emotions of others. See more under Emotional Wellness.
• Emphasize the age group of a person, rather than the gender/biological sex, when we feel the need to describe someone. Use terms like baby, toddler, child, teenager, or grown-up.
• Avoid saying any general phrases, such as “Girls are/aren’t…”  “Boys are/aren’t…” “Men are/aren’t…”  “Women are/aren’t…” These seemingly harmless statements are not harmless at all and help sexism grow and thrive.
• Do not equate any qualities, skills or activities with a certain gender/biological sex. View our child as having full, individual potential.
• Spend time and effort on each area of our child’s development:  physical, intellectual, spiritual, and emotional. Help them see their bodies as strong, healthy, and capable and their brains as fully competent.
• Demonstrate how we regularly do all the tasks of managing a family and home, and rotate these tasks with our partner and other capable members of our family. Have our kids see and hear about it.
• Participate in a wide variety of activities to show that our lives are not dictated by gender stereotypes.
• Consider what we would do, buy, or be enthusiastic about if our child was the opposite gender. Include those in our interactions with our child, while remembering to expose them to role models of their same gender.
• Be supportive of others who live outside gender stereotypes.
• When our child starts asking if another child is a girl or a boy, focus on noticing the character of a child. An example answer to “Is that a girl or a boy?” is:  “I’m not sure. What do you think?” [after listening] “Some people really care whether someone is a girl or a boy. For me, it’s not that important. What’s more important to me is if they seem friendly. Then if they’re nice to me and fun to be around. Let’s look for who looks friendly.” For more ways to address gender/biological sex, go to FAQ. 
• Make sure we don’t make any sexist comments or jokes, like “man up,” “don’t be a pussy,” “it’s a girl thing,” “boys will be boys,” “girls are so well behaved,” etc.
• Be aware of how we explain our own choices and never make gender the reason for our choice. Even when gender seems the reason, we can broaden it. “I am seeing the doctor to make sure every part of my body is healthy.” Or “I am keeping the curtains closed at night because I like privacy.” Or “I don’t think it’s safe to be on that street after dark, so I’m going to park my car over there instead.” When our kids are older, we can explain the bigger social constructs behind some of our choices.

*I am using “they/their/theirs/them/themselves” as singular pronouns.

How does Equality relate to Gender Equity?

When we operate from the perspective that our needs and wants are not automatically above or below anyone else’s, we can transform conversations on any topic from sharing parenting responsibilities to crafting a business policy to writing a government bill.

When conflict happens, which is natural, no one’s interests and needs automatically take precedence over another’s. Instead, we put the necessary work into creating a plan that truly works for both parties, making it more sustainable. We will also benefit from previously unattainable outcomes that can improve our families, organizations, and institutions.

Examples of what Equality looks like in an adult.

• A colleague who is able and willing to talk through a problem until a win-win solution is found.
• A partner who sincerely asks for our input regarding a plan that impacts us.
• Political representatives who will not write bills or pass laws that restrict our rights compared to their own.
• A spouse who will make sure our wishes, ideas and needs do not automatically take precedence over their own.
• A parent who treats their child with the respect due a full human being, though a smaller and less developed one.
• A business owner who creates policies that add diversity to their staff and make it easy for all employees’ voices to be heard.
• An employees who speaks respectfully to their boss, the janitorial staff, and colleagues.

Examples of how we can teach Equality to our child.

• Listen to what our child has to say and address their needs and ideas as much as we’re able to.
• Demonstrate how to speak respectfully to people regardless of their position in life.
• Work to achieve win-win solutions with our child when we disagree.
• Show how we advocate for our needs and wishes, even under difficult circumstances.
• Share our time, effort and finances with people who have less power and privilege than us.

*I am using “they/their/theirs/them/themselves” as singular pronouns.

How Physical Ownership relates to Gender Equity.***

In our culture, girls and women are conditioned to suppress their physical ability, and instead focus on the physical ability of boys and men. Compounding this, boys and men are conditioned to focus on boys’ and men’s physical ability, and ignore, trivialize or ridicule girls’ and women’s physical ability.

The more a girl or woman is socialized and follows sexist messages, the less she moves and the less she uses her physical body to perform challenging tasks (outside of sexual activity and/or child-rearing-related tasks). Girls and women learn to distance themselves from their own muscles and physical power.** The more they are influenced by gender stereotype, the less they will lift, push, pull, jump, run, and climb.

Boys and men are conditioned to view their own bodies as capable, and to view girls’ and women’s bodies as things that can bring them pleasure and satisfaction.

Examples of what Physical Ownership looks like in an adult.

• Someone who doesn’t divide physical tasks by gender/biological sex.
• An adult who participates in life to their fullest physical capability, and invites others to do the same.
• Someone who takes care of and develops their body with weight lifting, aerobic exercise, rest, nutrition and stress management.
• An adult who would never use someone else’s body for their own one-sided needs.
• Someone who would never consent to their body being disrespected by someone else.
• An adult who approaches life’s tasks as one who is physically capable, and will ask for another person’s help when needed.
• Someone who doesn’t use their body to hurt others.
• An adult who does the physical tasks that come with being an adult:  opening jars, mowing the lawn, moving furniture, preparing a meal, cleaning a bathroom, taking out the garbage, digging holes, etc.
• Someone who talks kindly about their body, particularly in front of any children.

Examples of how we can teach Physical Ownership to our child.

• Role model all of the above.
• Use empowering language when we describe our child’s body.  “You have a strong, healthy body.”
• Acknowledge what their bodies can do. “Your legs help you run and jump.” “You used your muscles to move that chair.”
• Explain out loud what we are doing and why. 
• “I am eating carrots because they taste good and are good for my body.” “I am eating peas, lean meat, and brown rice because I like giving my body what it needs.”
• “I finished lifting weights and I feel great.” “I’m really glad I ran 3 miles today.” “After I exercise in the morning, I feel great all day.”
• “I am going to bed early tonight because my body needs extra sleep.” “I am going to take a nap because I didn’t sleep enough last night.” “What a great night’s sleep I had; I even woke up before my alarm.”
• Look in the mirror and talk about what we like about our bodies in front of our child. “I like seeing the muscles in my arms and knowing how strong I am.” “I like that my bottom is a soft cushion for me to sit on.” “I appreciate how my feet carry my body all over the place.” “I like how my hair curls right by my ear.”
• Avoid saying negative comments about our body, such as “I’m so weak,” “I feel fat,” “I hate my thighs,” or “I’ll never get rid of this beer gut.”
• Talk about what our bodies can do. “I can lift four grocery bags at a time.” “I can squat down and then stand back up.” “I can sing loudly or quietly.” “I can tiptoe, hop, and walk on my heels.”
• Explain how we treat our bodies well. “I can give myself a hug anytime.” “It feels good to stroke my cheek.” “When I massage my neck, it feels wonderful.”
• Talk about how we use our bodies to help others. “I lifted a heavy box out of the car for our neighbor.” “I helped my friend load chairs into the van.” “I climbed a ladder to change the light bulb for Grandma and Grandpa.”
• Point out behavior by people that is counterstereotype and add related comments:  “Look at how strong she is.” “He is being so gentle with his baby.”
• Acknowledge our child’s healthy choices. “You were busy climbing and now you’re giving your body the water it needs.”
• Invite our child to join in with our healthy behaviors when appropriate.

*I am using “they/their/theirs/them/themselves” as singular pronouns.
** There are other ways that females are encouraged to separate from their bodies, one of which is their own sensual and sexual needs with a male partner.
***Physical Ownership relates to Gender Equity in more ways than are discussed here.

How we handle conflict has a huge impact on whether our lives move closer to our goals or not. If we cannot handle conflict effectively, our lives can stagnate, fester or wither.

How Verbal Conflict Resolution relates to Gender Equity

Sexism primes women and men to be against each other; creating conflict that wouldn’t otherwise exist and making everyday conflicts more difficult. It also increases the intensity of conflicts because sexism links topics to one’s “masculinity” or “femininity,” which we are conditioned to think we must protect at all costs. Sexism elevates men’s opinions and needs over women’s. It guides men and boys to resort to physical force, or the threat of physical force, when their needs or wishes are not catered to. It directs women and girls, when they are not willing to acquiesce, to not take responsibility for their harmful words because words are not physical force. Sexism is powered by patriarchal thinking which views all interactions as a means to inflict power and control over others, and regards physical force as the ultimate and necessary way to “end” conflict.

Being highly skilled in verbal conflict resolution is essential to navigate outside of sexism’s narrow view and reach more evolved, win-win solutions.

Examples of what Verbal Conflict Resolution looks like in an adult

• Someone who speaks up for what they* want without tearing other people down or physically lashing out.
• An adult who remains calm and attentive while listening to what others want or need.
• Someone who calms themselves during stressful interactions so they can remain productive.
• An adult who recognizes when it’s time to take a break from a heated conflict and come back later when everyone is calmer.
• Someone who sets boundaries when they don’t feel safe or respected.
• An adult who can “agree to disagree” when necessary.
• Someone who doesn’t avoid conflict or difficult conversations.

Examples of how we can teach Verbal Conflict Resolution to our child

• Role model all of the above.
• Speak up with honesty and kindness for what we want and need.
• Stay calm and pay attention when other people are sharing what they want and need.
• Set boundaries when someone is abusive to us or someone else.
• Use effective and healthy verbal conflict resolution skills with our child whenever we have a disagreement.
• Facilitate the use of healthy verbal conflict resolution skills between others in our care.
• Clarify when we think physical force or harsh language is okay, such as when it’s the only way to escape a violent person or situation.
• When you make a mistake or hurt someone, give a sincere apology to whoever was impacted

*I am using “they/their/theirs/them/themselves” as singular pronouns.

How Emotional Wellness relates to Gender Equity

Because sexism shames women and men for certain feelings, it stifles emotional development. Many people do not have the skills they need to take care of themselves emotionally and instead end up hurting themselves and/or other people. Emotional Wellness guides us toward healthier relationships with ourselves and others, leading to actions that are affirming and mutually respectful.

Examples of what Emotional Wellness looks like in an adult.

• Someone who checks in with themselves* each day to find out how they’re feeling.
• An adult who recognizes the physical sensations of at least 4 different emotions. For more information, go to “Pay Attention to Your Body.” 
• Someone who knows how to calm and soothe themselves when feeling shamed, angry, betrayed, rejected, jealous, sad, disappointed, and/or scared.
• Someone who understands that feelings are not good or bad; they are neutral. It’s what we do with our feelings that causes harm or help.
• An adult who is 100% responsible for their feelings and behavior, and doesn’t blame others for them.
• Someone who has a range of tools for managing difficult emotions (such as soothing touch, deep breathing, and affirmations) and can use them when feelings arise.
• An adult who knows they may not always realize how they are coming across (e.g. angry, grumpy, entitled, or like a know-it-all), and can listen to feedback from others.
• Someone who understands that not dealing with feelings from the past leads to extreme, harmful expressions of those feelings in the present.
• Someone who doesn’t take their negative emotions out on other people, e.g. insulting them, using a harsh tone, or yelling.
• An adult who can tolerate all of their feelings and allows time to feel their emotions.
• Someone who surrounds themselves with people who are emotionally healthy.
• An adult who is kind to themselves.

Examples of how we can teach Emotional Wellness to our child.

• Role model all of the above.
• Share our tools for managing our own emotions, and share new tools as we learn them.
• Share the physical sensations of our emotions.
• Guide our children on how to notice what they’re feeling and then how to express it.
• Don’t shame ourselves or criticize ourselves for any emotion.
• Take responsibility for our behavior, action or lack of action (rather than excusing our actions because of a feeling we had).
• Don’t shame others for their emotions. Instead point out the harmful or helpful choices people can sometimes make when they have certain feelings.
• Put up a poster that shows the different facial expressions tied with certain feelings. Refer to it when talking about our feelings or asking what our child is feeling.
• Be authentic about our feelings, without bringing our child into our adult problems. We can say, “I’m sad about something that happened today. A hug from you helps. I know I’ll feel better at some point and will figure out what to do. Right now, though, I’m sad.” “I’m really angry about something right now so I need some space to figure things out.”

*I am using “they/their/theirs/them/themselves” as singular pronouns.

How Advocacy relates to Gender Equity.

Sexism creates imbalances; dictating who has greater access, opportunity, resources, credibility, etc. and who doesn’t. Speaking up when we notice something is unfair or unjust, and taking action, are essential to creating fairer and healthier families, communities, businesses, and nations.

Examples of what Advocacy looks like in an adult.

• Someone who takes responsibility for helping solve problems they* think are important.
• An adult who speaks up for what they want and need, and does so in a respectful way.
• Someone who puts effort and/or money into helping those who have less power and privilege than they do.
• An adult who starts or joins initiatives to improve something unethical or unjust.
• Someone who learns effective communication skills, so they can address problems quickly and support positive actions.
• An adult who runs for elected office to solve problems they care about, or helps someone who is running for elected office.
• Someone who writes letters, emails or other written communication to empower others and point out what needs attention.
• Someone who acknowledges the progress we’ve made and still works diligently on what needs our attention.

Examples of how we can teach Advocacy to our child.

• Role modeling all of the above.
• Giving our child opportunities to advocate for themselves and others.
• Embracing our child’s self-initiated advocacy in its various forms (which may be very different from what we had envisioned).
• Reading books and articles together that spotlight people who are advocating for themselves and/or others.
• Having books, and other materials, around the house that are about advocating.
  Pointing out people who are speaking up and taking action when we see it in the world.

*I am using “they/their/theirs/them/themselves” as singular pronouns.

How Humility relates to Gender Equity.

Humility keeps us open to learning about other people’s experiences, ideas and wishes—as well as how our behavior impacts them. By staying humble, we remain introspective, can look more honestly at our unearned privilege, and are more able to change. The assumptions, fear and hubris that feed sexism are weakened.

Examples of what Humility looks like in an adult.

• Someone who provides space for others to talk in a conversation, and then listens attentively.
• An adult who actively uses their privilege and power to make the world better for everyone, not just the group they are affiliated with.
• Someone who can communicate their needs without tearing others down.
• An adult who values collaboration more than competition.
• Someone who strives to improve, and considers others’ ideas and feedback.
• An adult who seeks out viewpoints from others, particularly from those who will be impacted by a decision.
• Someone who can accept when they are wrong or have made a mistake, and learn from it.
• An adult who can tolerate when their mistake is pointed out by someone else.
• Someone who can be understanding when others admit to making mistakes or being wrong.

Examples of how we can teach Humility to our child.

• Role model all of the above.
• Share when we’ve appreciated hearing someone else’s perspective and what we’ve learned from it.
• Talk about our mistakes. Include how we know mistakes are a natural part of being a person, what we learned from them, how we will make amends (as needed in relationships) and what we will do next time.
• Listen attentively and respectfully to our child’s viewpoints even when they are different from our own. When appropriate, expect our child to listen to our perspectives as well.
• Read about different people’s life experience so kids learn that people are born into different circumstances, cultural norms and privileges.
• When we express an opinion, make it clear that it is our opinion and not the only right opinion possible. When we believe strongly in our opinion, explain our reasons and still give room for others to express their opinions.
• Ask questions that encourage empathy. How would it feel to be that person? What kind of help would you want if you were in that situation?

*I am using “they/their/theirs/them/themselves” as singular pronouns.

How Authenticity relates to Gender Equity.

Sexism teaches us to ignore and/or shame our inner voice, inner experience, and our true selves. Authenticity instead guides us to pay attention to these parts of ourselves.

By developing a stronger relationship with ourselves, we can more clearly and confidently choose differently from the status quo.

Examples of what Authenticity looks like in an adult.

• Someone who respects their thoughts and feelings.
• An adult who speaks their truth as often as possible.
• Someone whose words and actions match.
• An adult who can make decisions that are contrary to family, friends, and/or mainstream culture.
• Someone who doesn’t pressure others to go against their authentic selves.
• An adult who can recognize the difference between the influence of socialization and genuine pleasure when doing an activity.
• Someone who experiences the lightness, peace of mind, and joy that comes from living by their personal values.

Examples of how you can teach Authenticity to your child.

• Role model all of the above.
• Share how you know what you’re feeling.
• Demonstrate how you manage and express your emotions in healthy ways.
• Help your child trust themselves by trusting their experience. For example, if your child says, “I’m cold.” Don’t say, “You’re not cold.” Or if your child says, “I don’t like spaghetti.” Don’t say, “Of course, you do. You had it last week.” Or “I don’t like Sonya.” “Don’t say that. She’s a nice kid.” Or “I hate my teacher.” “What a horrible thing to say. Watch your mouth.”
• Listen to your child more than you talk to your child.
• Help your child remember the times they have made wise decisions.
• Demonstrate how you stop and listen to your inner thoughts before you make an important decision.
• Share when you’ve made choices that go against the status quo, as well as when you haven’t.

*I am using “they/their/theirs/them/themselves” as singular pronouns.

How Contribution relates to Gender Equity.

Contributing is about taking action, rather than sitting around talking. Action is necessary for change to happen.

By focusing on contribution, we remind ourselves that we have power to make changes in our own lives: from the words we use to the goals we set for ourselves. With each choice we make, we are either feeding gender equity and progress or sexism and the status quo.

Examples of what Contribution looks like in an adult.

• An adult who donates and/or volunteers toward making the world fairer, safer and healthier for everyone.
• Someone who actively and regularly engages in making the world better by starting committees, leading initiatives, joining protests, writing letters, supporting others, donating money, and/or running for office.
• Someone who stays informed about what needs are not being met in their community and finds a way to fill some of them.
• An adult who speaks up against jokes and comments that perpetuate exclusion and hierarchy.
• Someone who role models the behaviors they want expressed in the world.

Examples of how we can teach Contribution to our child.

• Role model all of the above.
• Bring your child along to volunteer opportunities as often as you can.
• Explain to your child which causes you donate to and volunteer for, and why.
• Give money to your child to donate to the organizations of their choice.
• Talk about the ways you are helping the people in your life and your community.
• Have a culture of “everybody helps” in your family and give everyone age-appropriate tasks.
• Acknowledge your child for contributing, especially when they’ve initiated it.
• Read stories, books and articles about people who are contributing. Make sure to have gender equity in what you read, too.
• Put up images of people who are contributing. Make sure to show as many females as males as role models. Racial, ethnic and other ways to show diversity are also important.
• In different situations, ask your child: What would make this fairer for everyone? What would help everyone be healthier? What would make everyone safer?

*I am using “they/their/theirs/them/themselves” as singular pronouns.

How Resiliency relates to Gender Equity.

When we take steps that increase gender equity, we are challenging sexism and the status quo. People comfortable with the status quo will resist and criticize what we do. Being able to recover from their negativity and get back on track with our goals as quickly as possible is very important.

Examples of what Resiliency looks like in an adult.

• Someone who knows who they* are, who they want to be, what they want to do, and why they want to do it.
• An adult who can hear criticism, consider it, learn from what’s helpful in it (if anything), and toss the rest.
• Someone who has many ways they can recover from hardship and is comfortable using them.
• An adult who has recovered from negativity before and knows they can do it again.
• Someone who continues to work on what matters most to them even when they face negativity, criticism, and hardship.
• An adult who is kind to themselves and, after a negative experience, takes time to address their feelings when it’s safe to do so.

Examples of how we can teach Resiliency to our child.

• Role model all of the above.
• Share with our child that their value doesn’t change when someone is mean, unfair or rude to them. (Discuss with our child that when someone treats them unfairly, rudely or meanly it has more to do with how that person is feeling about themselves and the world than it does with our child.)
• Share conflict resolution skills that our child can use when faced with negativity (through role-playing or other process we like). Two potential sources: https://www.pbs.org/parents/thrive/5-strategies-to-help-kids-resolve-conflict and https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201801/8-things-kids-can-say-and-do-stop-bullying. Note: Unfortunately, the author of the second article uses gendered words “dude” and “guys” in her advice. 

• Explain to our child that it is normal and healthy to not be liked by everyone.
• Discuss with our child that it’s wise to spend our energy and time on people who are nice to us, make choices we admire, and enjoy being around.
• Explain that while our value is not higher or lower than anyone else’s, we are special to certain people in our lives (such as our parents, dear friends, etc.)
• Share that if we made a million mistakes, our value would not change.

Note: Go to my resources list for books that help develop resiliency, including The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do by Amy Morin. (Warning: Morin uses too few examples of women and girls in her book and uses the pronoun “he” more than “she.”)

*I am using “they/their/theirs/them/themselves” as singular pronouns.

How Joy relates to Gender Equity.

Parenting is hard work, and gender-equity parenting requires even more energy. Experiencing joy is a critical counterbalance to the effort we put into such intentional parenting. Joy helps us stay connected with what is fun and enjoyable about our lives.

Examples of what Joy looks like in an adult.

• Someone who enjoys being silly and supports others in their silliness.
• An adult who has energy and enthusiasm for life.
• Someone who laughs almost every day.
• An adult who can play, without needing to have a winner or a loser.
• Someone who makes time to create for the pleasure of it, and isn’t worried about the end result.
• An adult who knows what they like to do and does it (as long as other people aren’t harmed).
• Someone who appreciates the simple things in life, such as the smell of fresh laundry, watching a ladybug crawl, hearing a great story, or the taste of a perfect apple.

Examples of how we can teach Joy to our child.

• Do things with our child just because they are fun.
• Think of activities we genuinely like doing that also happen to be kid-friendly.
• When doing something with our child we’re not as excited about, think about what part we could enjoy and do more of that.
• Tell our child about times we’ve had fun, felt amazing, or loved life.
• Do activities that encourage laughs, giggles, and snorts; ones that promote peeing in our pants, milk coming out of our nose, or making our stomach and face hurt from laughing so much. Note: If tickling is a favorite, make sure the “tickler” stops when asked to.
• Tell our child when we’re having fun with them and when we see them* having fun.

 *I am using “they/their/theirs/them/themselves” as singular pronouns.

How Gratitude relates to Gender Equity.

To feel grateful, we need to stop what we’re doing, notice what feels good and see what is going well in the present moment. This grounds us firmly in our individual experience, which is a departure from following what society is always telling us to feel or do based on our biological sex/gender.

Gratitude’s positive energy also fills us with fuel for staying fully engaged in our lives and ready to take action.

Examples of what Gratitude looks like in an adult.

• Someone who takes time almost every day to appreciate the good that is in their lives.
• An adult who appreciates their progress, no matter how small.
• Someone who expresses appreciation to the people in their lives.
• An adult who has energy, is excited about life, and is pleasant to be around.

Examples of how we can teach Gratitude to our child.

• Role model all of the above.
• Share with our child what we notice and appreciate about them.*
• Talk about what we notice and appreciate about ourselves, others and the world we live in.
• Express when we like what we’re doing with our child. This validates their experience, too.
• Give our child opportunities to express what they’re grateful for and listen to them carefully.
• Share the details of what you notice when a child is doing or making, such as “I see the yellow lines are going up and down the page” or “Look at that. The smallest blocks are at the top and the largest blocks are at the bottom.” When we focus the child’s attention on those same details, we are helping them open up even more to their own experience.
• Almost every day, express our gratitude out loud without expecting any response from our child. “I love these fluffy clouds.” “I feel so content after such a great meal.” “I am so glad my friend listened to me when I was angry about something.” “I am so grateful for where we live. I love the big trees.” “I appreciate how unshakeable Malala Yousafzai is about providing education for all kids.”

*I am using “they/their/theirs/them/themselves” as singular pronouns.

How Community relates to Gender Equity.

Having supportive people in our lives to openly discuss our ideas with is particularly important when we are going against the status quo. With these people, we can share our struggles, insights, successes, failures, and resources. Building a community also gives our children other adults and children to watch and interact with who value gender equity.

Examples of what Community looks like in an adult.

• Someone who has people in their* life who share and support their values.
• An adult who likes meeting new people and making new friends.
• Someone who organizes opportunities for people to get together.
• An adult who attends gatherings held by others who share their values.
• Someone who has at least one person they can be 100% authentic with (in addition to being 100% authentic with themselves).
• An adult who continues learning from others who’ve created books, articles, talks, podcasts, on-line groups, etc. that support, challenge, and inspire.
• Someone who feels supported by their network and happy most of the time.
• An adult who considers who is already in their life who may be a great ally.
• Someone who notices who may want support related to gender equity and can offer it.

Examples of how we can teach Community to our child.

• Actively seek out families who value gender equity. Look for parents who defy stereotypes.
• Pay attention to which kids in our child’s life enjoy a wider variety of activities and interests.
• Notice which kids in our child’s life play well with other kids, regardless of gender.
• Host gatherings and playtimes at our home with kids and families we want to see more of.
• Attend other gatherings that we’re invited to by families we want to build relationships with.
• Include both girls and boys in playtimes, gatherings at our home, and birthday parties. Use inclusive terms like “kids,” “children,” “classmates,” “friends,” and “teammates” (instead of “girls” and “boys”) to help facilitate inclusive play.
• Continue to meet new families and be open to making new friends.
• Be part of organizations and activities that practice gender equity: 4-H, co-ed sports leagues, classes and groups based on interests (music, geocaching, etc.)
• Have adults and kids around who are exploring everything life has to offer; not stuck in society’s stereotypes. They can role-model that “anything goes” and the fun that results.
• Have adults and kids around who are supporting your child in exploring everything life has to offer.

*I am using “they/their/theirs/them/themselves” as singular pronouns.

How Critical Thinking relates to Gender Equity.

When we are able to notice and evaluate the messages we’re both seeing and hearing, rather than merely absorb them, we are more able to figure out for ourselves what is against our values and against whom we strive to be.

Examples of what Critical Thinking looks like in an adult.

• An adult who is careful about what messages and items come into their home.
• Someone who has educated themselves on the discrepancies in how people are portrayed in advertising, tv shows, on-line programming, video games and movies and what those discrepancies mean. Infographic source: http://www.womensmediacenter.com/reports/divided-2017
• An adult who continues to learn about drivers of our culture (such as patriarchy and misogyny), institutionalized bias, and their impacts.
• An adult who asks themselves hard questions, such as “Who benefits from this message?,” “Who is hurt by this message?,” “Whose worth as a person is elevated (above everyone else) by this message?” “Whose worth as a person is devalued by this message?,” “What bothers me about this message?,” and “What can I do to not be part of the problem?”
• Someone who evaluates their own thoughts, behaviors and actions. (See: Self Awareness)
• An adult who is willing to analyze any book, game, movie, show, or advertisement for harmful messages, even their favorites.

Examples of how we can teach Critical Thinking to our child.

• Role model all of the above.
• Share how we evaluate something we read, see or hear.
• Have discussions after we and our child see, hear or read troubling or thought-provoking messages or ideas. Ask our child open-ended questions, such as “What did you think of that?”
• Create questions ahead of time to ask ourselves while we are watching, reading or listening to something or someone. Talk afterwards (or during) about what you’re learning.
• Encourage our child to write down their thoughts and ideas about what they’re seeing, hearing and reading.
• Be open to our child’s questions or observations, which may come at unexpected or inconvenient times.