Reciprocity: Recognizing how we each are benefiting unfairly from the status quo and then doing something to change that imbalance.

How Reciprocity relates to Gender Equity

We can easily become oblivious to how we are personally benefiting from the unequal allocation of resources in life based on gender:  the opportunities, privileges, attention, access, credibility, influence, etc. 

Reciprocity asks us to pay attention to the other people in our world and see how we can pave the way for a fairer distribution of resources.

Examples of what Reciprocity looks like in an adult.

• Making the effort to find out the salary ranges of your job and seeing if you are earning a higher salary than others doing the same job. Learning to advocate for more transparent compensation at work and sharing negotiation strategies among your colleagues.
• Noticing when you have received more praise, attention, bonuses, privileges, invitations or promotions compared to others who are working equally hard, if not harder. Becoming someone who publically acknowledges others’ hard work and advocates for their advancement and rewards.
• Stopping to realize that your spouse is doing more of the difficult, dirty, high-responsibility or boring tasks of raising a family or managing a household. Taking initiative to learn new skills and applying yourself so you can be of more help to your family and spouse. (Sometimes it’s helpful to thinking of what you would need to do if you lived alone.)
• Noticing you have more free time than your spouse. Carving out time in your schedule so your spouse can have an equal amount of free time.
• Seeing that others are doing the preparation and clean-up for gatherings that you benefit from. Looking at what is being done at gatherings and contributing more actively with food, washing the dishes, etc.
• Recognizing when friends keep checking in on you and inviting you to do fun activities. Checking in on them and inviting them to do fun activities, too.
• Noticing that you are talking a majority of the time in a conversation. Holding some of your thoughts, encouraging others to share their ideas, and truly listening to what they have to say (i.e. not thinking ahead of what you’re going to say when they’re done talking).
• Noticing that you routinely don’t put equal weight on your spouse’s opinions or needs, even on subjects that impact them. Learning new skills so you can participate in effective negotiations with your spouse and achieve a solution that is equally beneficial to both of you.

Examples of how we can teach Reciprocity to our child.

• Be a role model of reciprocity in our own lives by being more intentional about our giving and receiving. Talk about and explain reciprocity when it’s happening or happened.
• Explain to our child when we have received something meaningful from someone, such as kind words, a consideration (such as letting us go first or speaking up on our behalf), a hug, a note, time, a conversation, an invitation or a gift. Share our feelings and why the giving was meaningful to us, such as “I felt so good after he listened to me. I know what I want to do now” or “Her hug let me know that I’m cared about no matter what happens.”
• Explain to our child when we are giving to someone and why. “I can tell my friend is feeling discouraged so I’m mailing him this card,” “I’m making two dinners so I can take one over to our neighbor who is recovering from a surgery,” or “I’m planning a dinner party so we and our friends can have a fun night.”

Explain reciprocity more specifically when that feels appropriate. Here are some examples:

• “My friend has had us over for dinner several times and I want to return that kindness. I’m not able to host a dinner here, but I am making a delicious picnic for us to all enjoy at the park.” 
• “I’ve had some extra free time lately, so I want to make sure your other parent has a fair amount of free time, too. I am marking the calendar for when I can be home with you.”
• “I’ve had plans with my friends two weekends in a row. I’m going to suggest your other parent has some time with friends.” 
• “How nice of that driver to let me into the lane. That reminds me to do that, too.”

When you notice an imbalance in your child’s behavior, you can have a conversation about it. Some examples are:

• “I noticed your friend has invited you over several times. What do you think of inviting them* over sometime?” 
• “Your sibling cleaned the dishes so you could finish your school project. What would be a nice thing to do for your sibling?”
• “It can feel good when friends remember our birthdays. What would be a nice thing to do for your friend’s birthday?”
• “I notice you have your Christmas list ready for what you want. I’d like to see a list with gift ideas for your family.”

*I am using “they/their/theirs/them/themselves” as singular pronouns.

Back to Guiding Principles for
Developing Whole Children

Self Awareness | Reciprocity | Full Personhood | Equality | Physical Ownership | Verbal Conflict Resolution | Emotional Wellness | Advocacy | Humility | Authenticity | Contribution | Resiliency | Joy | Gratitude | Community | Critical Thinking