What other adjectives can I use to praise my daughter besides pretty, sweet, and cute? What other adjectives can I use to praise my son besides strong, tough, and handsome?
When we want to compliment or acknowledge our kids, we can think of qualities we believe are essential to being a fully developed adult we admire. Then we look for moments when our children demonstrate these qualities, even in tiny amounts, and acknowledge them for these behaviors.
For example, if we think perseverance is important, we could say, “You kept working on building the tower even after it fell down” or “You worked on that problem until you found the answer. You can be proud of yourself for that.”
Some other examples are: “I noticed you studied for your test for three days even though you don’t like the teacher,” “I see you’re going to school even when your feelings were hurt yesterday by your friend. You can be proud of giving yourself the benefit of school even when you’re not feeling 100%” or “I see how you’re doing your homework every night even for the class that isn’t your favorite.”
I have learned that it’s important to notice and acknowledge without attaching our specific good or bad judgment. Instead of saying, “That’s a good painting. I like it,” it’s more helpful to say, “I see you made the sky a grayish blue. It looks like a good day to wear a sweater” or “The bears look so happy to be in the forest. I feel like smiling when I look at them.” One source for this is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk. I’ve also learned to say “You can be proud of yourself for…” instead of “I am proud of you for…” as it helps our kids trust themselves for what to be proud of, and to not rely only on others to guide them or to feel good about themselves. We can also still say, “I’m proud of you” occasionally as that is also important for our kids to hear.
It’s also extremely valuable to counteract the stereotypical comments our children hear from other people and the media by acknowledging our kids for non-stereotypical behaviors. Here are some examples.
Compassionate
Dylan, when your sibling was upset, I noticed you rubbed her back and told her that you believed in her. That was kind to do.
Trying new things/courageous
Sandra, I saw you raise your hand for the field trip even though you’ve never been backpacking before. That is courageous.
Reader of books/learner of stories
Eric, you’ve read all four books in the series. You know a good story when you see one.
Able to be a leader and a teammate
Shelly, when someone needed to lead the volunteer day, you said you’d do it. You are showing your leadership. Then later when the coordinator of the meeting needed a hand, you helped pass out papers. You know how to be a supporter of a leader as well as a leader yourself.
Verbal conflict resolution
Brad, I saw you take a break from talking with Gerald when you were upset. Then you came back when you were feeling calmer to figure it out. You know how to manage your feelings so no one is hurt.
We also need to avoid complimenting kids on their looks, clothing, hair, shoes, etc. This is particularly important with girls as our culture focuses too much on girls and women needing to make themselves attractive for other people’s evaluation. While an occasional compliment about what a child is wearing can be okay, many adults don’t realize how often they do this with kids so it’s helpful to work on avoiding it. Instead we need to have conversations with kids about their interests, their experiences or their behaviors.
With very young kids, we can simply say, “It’s nice to meet you,” “Good to see you,” “I’m glad you’re here,” and “I hope you enjoy the playground/exhibit/story.”
With slightly older kids we can say: “What did you like about the exhibit?,” “I had a banana and oatmeal this morning. What did you have for breakfast?” “Great teamwork, you two,” “You seemed to really enjoy the raccoons,” and “Which buttons did you like pushing in the exhibit?.”
With older kids, our conversations can focus on what a child is learning, seeing and doing. We can ask, “Who is your favorite teacher?,” “What do you like to do when you’re not doing homework?,” “Who is your least favorite teacher?,” and “Which class has the most homework?”
Modeling Gender Equity | Words That Identify Gender | Handling Disagreements With Life Partner | Benefits of Not Emphasizing Gender | Keeping Gender in the Background | How Critical to Knowing Someone Is Biological Sex or Gender? | Overcoming Uncomfortable Discussions About Reproductive Parts | Handling Stereotypical Behaviours | Handling “Be a Man” Directives Towards Son | Handling “Smile” or “Hug Me” Directives Towards Daughter | Suggest to P.E. Teacher Not to Divide Teams By Gender | Explaining Why Girls and Women in Children’s Books Have Long Hair | Using Other Adjectives When Praising Your Child | Handling Pronouns for Toddlers | Handing Pronouns for Younger School-Age Children | Handing Pronouns for Older School-Age Children
