How do I stop my spouse from saying to our son “be a man” and “you’ll have to support a family someday”?
Stopping other’s damaging behaviors can be tricky. We can make requests of others to stop certain behaviors. Unfortunately, though, we cannot prevent them from doing or saying something without their sincere agreement that it is an important change to make and their willingness to put in the effort to make the change on a continual basis. (There are exceptions, however, such as when we need to physically remove ourselves and our children in an emergency.)
Having a partner we can be direct with (as in “Let’s stop saying ‘be a man’ to our son”) and have total agreement with (e.g. our partner stops doing it willingly) is ideal. However, if we don’t have that, there are still ways we can positively influence our families.
One strategy is to start role-modeling different phrases to use with your son, in front of your spouse. Language is contagious, so sometimes spouses pick up on what we’re saying.
Another idea is to have a discussion with your spouse to start you both thinking about the kind of grown-up you really want your son to be and how you are each setting an example of that. This discussion can lead to new ways to communicate with your child.
Sample path one
“I could tell from the conversation I overheard you having with [name of child] yesterday that you really care about the kind of person he’s becoming. I care about that, too, and I’d like to talk more about it. It would be helpful for me if we each wrote down a description of the kind of person we want him to be. I’d be happy to take notes while we talk. Or we can each work on it separately and then talk together about what we wrote. Which do you prefer? [listen for response] What’s a good night this week to do it?”
A) Examples of what you and your spouse might write down that may relate to “you’ll have to support a family someday”:
Be skilled in math and science.
Have many career opportunities, including those that pay particularly well.
Be able to work on a task even when it’s hard.
What you might say to your child about this:
“I recommend studying hard for all your subjects, including the ones that take extra effort. I think the extra-effort subjects often lead to more career opportunities and higher pay.”
Short-cut phrase after having the discussion with your child:
“Studying hard pays off.”
B) Examples of what you and your spouse might write down that also may relate to “you’ll have to support a family someday”:
Finishes work before play.
Knows it’s time to work even when they* don’t feel like it.
What you might say to your child about this:
“There will be times when you’ll need to do work even when you don’t feel like it. With practice you’ll learn how to recognize when you need to make that choice.”
Short-cut phrase after having the discussion with your child:
“Do the work now. Relax later.”
Sample path two
“Now that our son is older, I’ve been hearing ‘be a man’ and ‘you’ll have to support a family someday’ messages directed at him. I am concerned about that. It would help me if we each wrote down what ‘be a man’ and ‘you’ll have to support a family someday’ means to each of us and then see what we want to do from there. Do you want to work on this separately or together? [listen for response] What night this week will work for you?
After you and your spouse have written down the messages, you can continue the discussion by writing down new ways to express those same points (or do it separately and then discuss them together). You’ll want to work towards agreeing on which new messages you want to say to your child.
A) Examples of what you and your spouse might write down for “be a man”:
Don’t have feelings, except anger.
Don’t show your feelings ever.
Stay tough at all times. Never let your guard down.
What you might say to your child about this:
“Some situations and people are not safe for expressing one’s true feelings, particularly sadness and fear, so you won’t be able to express them in the moment. Always make sure, however, that you have ways to express your feelings later in a supportive, productive way. All of your feelings matter and expressing them is essential for mental health.”
Short-cut phrase after having the discussion with your child:
“You can deal with your feelings later.”
B) Examples of what you and your spouse might write down for “you’ll have to support a family someday”
Making money is the most important thing for you to think about.
Making money is the most important thing about you.
Women don’t care about making money.
A wife will be dependent on you because she can’t financially support herself or a family.
What you might say to your child:
“Once you’re an adult, you’ll need to pay your own way through life. Start looking into what careers you’d enjoy, what you’ll want and need money for, and which of those careers will give you the money you want. Someday you may have a partner so you’ll want to learn how to fairly negotiate the responsibilities of owning a home, raising children, working, money management, vacations, etc. Someday you may also have people who count on you to pay for what they need, such as children, so you may want to keep that in mind, too.”
Short-cut phrase after having the discussion with your child:
“You want to be able to support yourself and know how to negotiate fairly.”
With either of these two paths, it’s helpful to create an agreement with your spouse that you each have permission to remind each other, in a nice way, to say the new messages. We can all forget, so friendly reminders are a vital part of the process.
Also, I encourage you to have regular discussions with your child about important topics so you can share what’s on your mind and hear what’s on your child’s mind. No single phrase is enough and often a single discussion is not enough.
* I am using “they” as a singular pronoun.
Modeling Gender Equity | Words That Identify Gender | Handling Disagreements With Life Partner | Benefits of Not Emphasizing Gender | Keeping Gender in the Background | How Critical to Knowing Someone Is Biological Sex or Gender? | Overcoming Uncomfortable Discussions About Reproductive Parts | Handling Stereotypical Behaviours | Handling “Be a Man” Directives Towards Son | Handling “Smile” or “Hug Me” Directives Towards Daughter | Suggest to P.E. Teacher Not to Divide Teams By Gender | Explaining Why Girls and Women in Children’s Books Have Long Hair | Using Other Adjectives When Praising Your Child | Handling Pronouns for Toddlers | Handing Pronouns for Younger School-Age Children | Handing Pronouns for Older School-Age Children
