Video – Gender Constellation
If you’ve ever wondered what a gender constellation is, and how your child can use this tool to let people know what they want them to know about themselves, watch this kid-friendly video from Authentic You.
Is watching football the harmless pastime it claims to be?
Having time to relax is important. Sharing what we enjoy with our kids can be valuable. Yet is football the answer?
Football:
- excludes half the population who could be playing it.* (more)
- restricts girls and women to subservient roles. (more)
- perpetuates the emphasis on girls and women as visual aesthetics for boys and men. (more)
- raises our kids to think that boys deserve to be the center of attention and girls deserve to watch. (more)
- maligns girls and women to incite aggressive behavior in boys and men. (more)
It’s time for parents, coaches, and managers to call an end to excluding girls and women from playing football. Without girls’ and women’s involvement, football perpetuates and strengthens harmful mindsets, leading to damaging behaviors off the field; some of which are dreadfully serious.
Football excludes half the population who could be playing it.
If you are a girl or a woman (or know a girl or a woman) who doesn’t ever want to play football, that’s fine. If you are a girl or a woman who thinks you will never have the size or physical ability needed to play football, that’s fine. Own that choice. It is yours to make. However, do not rationalize your choice by saying it’s because you’re a girl or a woman. If you look for them, you’ll see plenty of women who are solidly built, broad, or husky. You’ll see women who are powerfully athletic, strong, and capable. You’ll also see women who are taller than you.
Be honest about your own reasons. Such as:
- you’ve never lifted heavy weights to strengthen your body.
- you’ve never done 20 wind sprints in one morning to develop speed.
- you’ve never learned to shove, grab, and push others out of your way effectively.
- you’re 5’0” and 99 pounds.
- you’ve never practiced throwing or catching a football the correct way until it became second nature.
- you’ve never done the hustle needed to be at your physical peak.
- you’ve never learned to fight for something with your whole being.
Make it for whatever reason is unique to you. Never, though, make it because you’re a girl or a woman. If you make that your excuse, such as by saying, “Women just don’t have the strength,” “Girls aren’t big enough,” or “Women aren’t aggressive enough,” you are throwing all girls and women under the bus for something that is your individual reality, preference, and/or choice. And you would be wrong. There are countless women and girls who could play tackle football. There are girls and women who can be aggressive in sports, particularly if they’re given the opportunity. Some girls and women are already playing tackle football well, even without the excessive and continual support and resources given to boys and men (Women’s Football Alliance and Utah Girls Tackle Football).
There is countless evidence that girls and women have been undervalued for their physical abilities and still are.
Women alive today weren’t allowed by the men handling sports programs in the 1950’s (such as those in the National Federation of State High School Associations, aka NFHS), to run the full court in a basketball game. They were also not allowed to bounce the ball more than once. Even today in 2020 the board of directors of the NFHS is egregiously missing the 50% representation on their board that would reflect the actual student population. Women and men need to be making decisions together for girls and boys, not just men.
As author Chris Crowley states, “There was a time in this nation when there was a serious body of thought that exercise was bad for women. My very own mother [Lurana] experienced it. One day, [around] 1900 or 1902, when mother was six or eight, she came home to this serious scene. Her mother and a [male] acquaintance were waiting for her in the formal parlor of [her home]. Because, as the man had told my grandmother, ‘I saw Lurana running this morning.’ He thought my grandmother ought to know. She was told not to do it anymore. In the fifty years I knew [my mother], I never saw her do a single athletic thing. Not one.” ¹
This restricting of girls and women would be ridiculous and hilarious if it wasn’t so tragic. Think of the thousands (millions, really) of girls and women who have been robbed of opportunities to express their athletic ability, feel the sense of accomplishment and joy that comes from playing sports, and gain awareness of how truly capable their bodies are. We have all been robbed of the ways girls and women could have been contributing to the development of athletics since our country’s beginning.
For those of us who say we don’t want girls and women to be hurt as the reason we don’t want them playing football, we are deluding ourselves. Girls and women are hurt every day by certain boys and men because we teach them that girls and women are their subordinates to be used as they wish–not their peers, teammates, or equals. We segregate them from girls and women as much as we can until we want them to date, and then we wonder why date rape and other forms of assault happen. Also the activity we channel girls and women towards, “cheerleading[,] is by far the most perilous sport for female athletes in high school and college, accounting for as much as two-thirds of severe school-sports injuries over the past 25 years.”
The landmark Title IX ruling was to give girls and women access to the athletics they had been denied, not to give a legal loophole to certain men so they can run a men’s only or boys’ only club that still receives federal funding. “No person in the United States shall, on the basis of sex, be excluded from participation” is Title IX language.
Football restricts girls and women to subservient roles
Girls and women haven’t just been excluded from playing football and freed up to be the center of attention in another sport or activity. They’ve been directed into a secondary, side-line role at the football field: cheerleading.
Cheerleaders may be athletic, gifted, and skilled, but they will always be second to the players. Because that is what they are there for: to support the boys and men on the football team.
As the National Federation of State High School Associations states on its website, “The cheerleading team is the connection between the fans and the athletic team. The energy and enthusiasm produced by the crowd can rally a sports team to play better and boost overall morale. It is the cheerleading team’s task to unify the crowd in its efforts.”
Football perpetuates the emphasis on girls and women as visual aesthetics.
If cheerleaders wore the most comfortable and practical clothes for being outside in autumn weather, they would be wearing pants, flexible fabrics, and layers. They would be keeping their entire body, including their legs, warm.
But the girls and women who cheerlead are not given pants to wear (in high school, college or in the professional league).
If the girls and women in cheerleading didn’t wear such revealing clothes, we would automatically focus more on their skills. Football culture however wants us to treat girls and women as visual accessories to the action displayed by football players. Cheerleaders’ clothing shows off the shape of their bodies and bare skin. At the NFL level, where football culture is at its peak, outfits are stripped down to even less, so our eyes automatically go to a cheerleader’s chest, stomach, crotch, legs, and rear end, hardly noticing her dance moves. She is exposed for boys and men to view as they wish. They can watch her hungrily or not give her a second look. They hold the power of choice; she does not. She is exposed for their whims.
NFL cheerleaders are also held up as the ideal woman in football culture. We are rarely told their names or their stories (as those are clearly not important in football culture). Yet we know the details of their bodies. As the TV camera sweeps past their eerily similar bodies and faces (when compared to the variety that exists in the world), the underlying message is clear: these ideal women are as highly regarded as women will ever be and they are happy to be relegated to the sidelines, supporting whatever men are doing, wearing tiny outfits, being uncomfortable in cold weather, smiling, and dancing around. (When you dig deeper, you find they are also “happy” to be paid low wages and receive few perks for their efforts. Another message is that this is what even the best women are worthy of. They are fulfilled being near men doing things and waiting to have the male gaze upon them, even for the briefest of moments, to validate their purpose in life. Football culture is saying, “Attention girls and women of the world: know your place, because this is it.” (“Boys and men, listen up, too, so you can keep football culture going by being fans and tolerating this.”)
Football raises our kids to think that boys deserve to be the center of attention and girls deserve to watch.
By literally putting boys and men in the center of attention as the main event and preventing girls and women from joining in–and then relegating girls and women to a supporting role on the side of the field, we are unquestioningly teaching our kids the stark messages that boys and men do great deeds, we all need to watch them, girls and women don’t do great deeds, and boys and men don’t need to watch girls and women do anything. (The only way some men do line up to watch women is when they take off their clothes, whether the women are working on their PhDs or paying for their kids’ tuitions.)
These experiences from the football field feed how kids act in school, who steps up to lead group projects and who doesn’t, who expects to be listened to and who submits to listening, who expects to win elections and who helps on the campaign, who asks for what he wants in a relationship and who keeps her needs to herself, who believes they are capable of greatness and who doesn’t, and on it goes.
Football culture fuels girls and women acting passively around boys and men, and leads boys and men to expect them to. When girls and women are not, conflict happens. The boys and men most influenced by football culture will more likely resolve conflict with aggression and physical force.
Football culture maligns girls and women as a tool to incite aggressive behavior in boys and men.
The coaches and parents who drill football-culture messages into players’ heads incite boys’ and men’s aggression, strength, and power by demonizing girls and women–defining them as weak and having no place on the football field. This emphasis on aggression and physical force to get results combined with their claim of superiority over girls and women oozes off the football field and into our lives. Spectators who merely watch the game are influenced. There is “significant and robust evidence that football game days increase reports of rape victimization among 17 [to] 24-year-old women by 28 percent. Home games increase reports by 41 percent on the day of the game and away games increase reports by 15 percent. These effects are greater for schools playing in the more prominent subdivision of Division 1 and for relatively prominent games.”
Certain men connected with football also want us to think that assault and sexual assault inflicted by football players are unusual. Even people in charge of the media choose to use words like “stunned” and “shocked” when reporting yet another assault case. What pattern do you see after reading the high-school stories below? Warning: explicit content.
(In Maryland) “Several junior-varsity football players pinned a teammate in a locker room, pulled his pants down and sexually assaulted him with a broomstick.”
(In Ohio) Two football players used their fingers to penetrate the genitals of a 16-year-old girl, who one referred to as “like a dead body,” “while she was so drunk that she lacked the cognitive ability to give her consent for sex” and posted it on social media. Then a football player circulated another picture of “her lying naked in a basement with…semen on her body.” This assault was “proof as well, some community members said, that Steubenville High School’s…football team held too much sway over other teenagers, who documented and traded pictures of the assault while doing little or nothing to protect the girl.”
(In Oklahoma) Four football players “confessed verbally and in written statements to participating in the assault of [a younger football player] with [a] broomstick.” A student “witnessed the victim being carried from the freshman side of the locker room to the varsity side. The witness said he then saw someone ‘grab a broomstick and shove the stick up [the victim’s] rectum.’ ”
(In New Jersey) “Seven Sayreville players were charged with hazing and sexual assault of four teammates in the high school’s locker room.” A player confides that there was “ ‘a pattern of ritualistic abuse and bullying’ against younger members of the team.”
(In Connecticut) Two “members of the…football team have been charged in sexual assault cases involving different 13-year-old girls”
(In Illinois) A teen during football camp was “standing in a line during practice when the four upperclassman tackled him, stripped him of his shorts and held him down while one of the teens sexually assaulted him.”
(In California) “Four football players were cited for the assault on a…teammate and that the assault occurred after practice in a locker room.”
(In Michigan) A high school football coach (and teacher) had a sexual relationship with a 16-year-old student. There was “evidence [that] Stewart ‘furnished alcohol to students at parties,’ created a ‘sexually charged and hostile learning environment,’ propositioned another student and ‘threatened a student with physical harm because the student had told Mr. Stewart to leave high school girls alone.’ ”
(In Arizona) A “football player [is] accused of physically and sexually attacking some of his teammates.”
Some of the incidences above are football players sexually assaulting other players. Football culture breeds this behavior. The maligning of girls and women as weak and inferior combined with suppressing the unaccepted feelings of boys and men (those categorized under “weakness”: sadness, fear, insecurity, hurt, and disappointment) create a volatile mix. Suppressed feelings don’t go away; they remain buried until a situation triggers their sudden release in uncontrolled ways.
In the Journal of Health and Social Behavior, Debra Umberson, Kristi Williams and Kristin Anderson explain, “repressed emotion plays a role in triggering violent episodes.” “Certain groups…emphasize violence as an acceptable way to express feeling and solve problems” and violent acts are linked to men who “devote considerable energy to controlling and avoiding emotion.”
Repressed feelings find the path of least resistance for expression, which among football players, is through aggression and anger. Unhinged, aggression and anger become violence. Any football player who shows weakness in this environment becomes a potential trigger for others and a target.
These perpetrators of sexual assault are “saying” to their boy victims:
“You are such scum, you are the worst of the worst. You are so weak, you are like a girl, a woman, so we will treat you like one. This is what we do to girls and women.”
“It’s truly astounding how many awful things that occur in this world because men are afraid of appearing weak,” says Deandre Levy, linebacker and free agent in the NFL. “We’re considered models of masculinity, which is at the very root of a lot of these issues.”
“Man up! You pussy! Grow a pair!”
“These are insults that are so commonplace,” shares Levy. Revealing is that these comments are not gender neutral, such as “Suck it up.” Every single one is connected to maligning women and girls (as threats to being competent, strong, powerful, or valuable). Even when coaches themselves don’t say the insults and harassing statements, they create an environment where this thinking festers and look the other way when players inflict it on each other.
As former NFL quarterback Don McPherson explains, “We don’t raise boys to be men [in football culture]. We raise boys to not be women or gay men. We don’t affirm what a loving man is. … [Football players are] not supposed to…care or love or be sensitive, and it’s all utter BS because we are all these things.”
The number of rapes, assaults, and other crimes committed by just one college football team is described in Scoreboard, Baby: A Story of College Football, Crime, and Complicity.
At the professional level, what does football culture create?
Former NFL player accused of “drugging of two women so he could rape them…similar allegations involve as many as 16 victims in four states.”
Former NFL player “faces charges of raping a hitchhiker, forced oral copulation with the same hitchhiker and sodomizing the same homeless woman he was convicted of raping. He also faces charges of raping an unconscious woman in 2003.”
A free agent with the NFL “accused of raping a woman who worked as his trainer.”
NFL football player “accused of sexually assaulting a dancer…at a nightclub.”
“Former NFL Network [employee] alleges she was subjected to repeated instances of sexual harassment by retired players and network executives,” including being pinned “against a wall and demanded that she perform oral sex.”
An employee with the NFL Network claims a former NFL player “rubbed his genitals against her, grabbed her ass, and harassed her via private Instagram messages.”
Don McPherson says, “If my power as a man lies in my privilege over women, or my privilege to be identified as a hyper-masculine football player, I denounce that power. That’s not power to me.” “That’s a privilege that comes from oppression.”
Now is the time to stop the parts of football culture that lead to violence off the field: (1) excluding girls and women from playing, (2) maligning them as weak and inferior, and (3) using them as a hostile motivational tool to incite aggressive behavior. We need to demand leagues, coaches, and managers use healthier ways to create competitive teams, and open up the game to girls and women as players, coaches, and managers. Like many sports, the game of football can be exciting and fun. The hype around a game: the crowds, the bands, the cheers, the drum core, and the half-time show can also add to the excitement. Let’s make these needed changes and give our athletic kids the opportunity to strive, execute strategy, and surmount obstacles together. Only then can they learn to rely on each other as capable teammates, friends, and allies.
Action steps
Don’t stay silent
1) Contact one or more of these groups:
- your local flag football league
- your local high school
- your local college
- your local pro team
and let them know that you want girls and women involved in football as players, coaches, and managers. Ask how you can help and help them.
2) Contact the decision-makers at the organizations below (click on each link for more information). Let them know what actions you’re taking until they make these changes (not buying tickets, etc.), and what actions you want them to take.
Youth football clubs (There are many of these. Here are two of them.)
Pop Warner
Pacific Youth Football League
Middle schools (School Superindendents Association)
High schools (National Federation of State High Schools Association)
Colleges, universities, and the professional league
NAIA
NCAA, Division III
NCAA, Division II
NCAA, Division I
Professional level
Start a solution
1) Start a clinic for women on coaching football skills and managing teams. Recognize that participation may be low at first because of our society’s previous messages. Continue to spread the word. Find positions for the “graduates” of your clinic.
2) Start a skills clinic for girls. Recognize that the participation may be low at first because of our society’s previous messages. Continue to spread the word and find like-minded people.
Look for visual representation
Look for signs publicizing “youth” flag football leagues and request that they show girls in all their materials and on signs.
Recruit
Recruit women and girls to be involved in your league. Train them in whatever ways are needed.
Expand your life
Write down 20 (or more) things you like to do or would like to start doing. Circle the ones that have nothing to do with professional sports that exclude women and start doing those more often.
Put your money towards fairness (and what you say you believe in)
Sponsor women’s pro tackle football and attend their games.
Sponsor girls’ tackle football and attend their games when you are in the area.
Bring some fairness to football.
Go out and play football with your daughters and sons, nieces and nephews, etc. Teach them patiently and respectfully the skills needed. Remind those who already know how to play that they’ve been lucky to have that support and guidance.
Talk about the problem
Share that you don’t like how girls and women have been excluded from playing football. Tell the people in your life that you will do differently. Show them that you are different.
Speak up
Speak up when someone uses gendered statements (such “Man up” or “You’re acting like a little girl”) and give them an alternative, such as “Hey, use ‘Suck it up’ instead” or “Hey, use ‘Put on your game face’ instead.”
Practice responses to sexist comments, such as:
“Football is for everyone. Some people and leagues are slow to catch onto that.”
“Not everyone wants to play football, but it’s not fair to exclude someone before they even have a chance to try.”
“Not in my opinion.” (This general phrase can be used in almost any conversation.)
Promote kids playing together
Encourage kids to play together, whether they are girls or boys. Adults typically segregate kids too much by gender and kids pick up on it.
Talk about something else
Think of three topics you enjoy talking about that having nothing to do with sports (particularly those that exclude women and girls) and start learning how to have those conversations.
Spread the message
Forward this post to the people you want to read it.
* I realize some teams have girls as kickers and, more rarely, in other positions. This is great progress, though definitely not enough to stop the toxic culture. Open, full participation of girls and women is needed.
1 Page 106, Younger Next Year for Women by Chris Crowley and Henry S. Lodge, M.D.
Gender equity in preschool books?
Why does gender equity in preschool books matter?
Because every interaction we have with a child, including reading a book, shapes their* brain, how they see themselves, and how they see others.
Collaborating neuroscientists explain on BrainFacts.org, “Compared to other animals, we’re born with less developed brains, and they take longer to fully mature.” “One advantage of having such a protracted period of brain development is that our developing brains are more easily shaped by environment and experience, which helps us adapt and thrive in our unique environment.”
“The circuits of the brain are quite literally a product of your physical, social, and cultural environment, as well as your behavior and thoughts. What we experience and do creates neural activity that can alter the brain, either directly or through changes in gene expression.” ¹
More than scientists previously realized, we have the opportunity to shape our kids’ brains.
“[Our] job as a parent is critical,” explains Christia Spears Brown, Ph.D., author of Parenting Beyond Pink & Blue. “Experiences make all the difference.”²
If we want to maximize our children’s full potential during the infant and preschool years, we want to keep their brains open to the widest variety of development. Such growth comes from diverse experiences. “It is important to help strengthen [all of] our children’s important synapses so that they don’t get eliminated.” ³
If we introduce gender too soon, which severely limits expected skills, talents, affinities, life goals, and emotional expression, “kids lose the ability to do all they were born capable of doing.” ²
Preschool books with gender equity counter that by giving kids a chance to enjoy reading without encumbering it with gender. With these books, we can more easily refer to characters as “a child,” “the kid,” “the little person, “a big person,” “the parent,” “the grown-up,” “the big giraffe,” and so on. The books with gender equity that do show people with different gender expressions, show them interacting with mutual respect–creating a vision in our kids’ minds of a world with gender equity.
Books rated high for gender equity help by:
1) Keeping gender secondary so we can focus on developing all of our kid’s potential and sharing the main ideas of the book.
2) Providing room to compensate for the over-representation of one gender over another. In one day alone, our child may hear:
- The librarian referring to both the stuffed dog and stuffed penguin in the children’s area as “he.”
- Your friend calling the turtle in a book a “he,” and then a dinosaur toy in your hand a “guy.”
- Song after song with “he,” “him,” and “his.” One might be “No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed” with every single monkey being a “he” and the only female being a “Mama,” followed by “was his name-o” over and over in “B-I-N-G-O,” and then the repetitive “and on his farm he had a…” in “Old MacDonald.”
- The preschool teacher referring to the hand puppet as “he.”
- The parent next to you referring to the toy car as “this guy.”
- Being addressed multiple times as a “guy,” with grown-ups saying, “Hey, guys.”
- The preschool teacher referring to the skeleton in the classroom as a “he.”
3) Allowing us more flexibility to keep gender secondary, even after kids are aware of the concept of gender.
4) Offering an example of people, with different gender expressions, interacting with mutual importance, skill, and respect.
5) Providing books that, once our kids can read, support our desire to keep gender secondary. (While we can change the words of any book before kids recognize words, we are not able to do that once they become readers themselves.)
The Equity 8™ tool, using eight criteria (listed below), helps parents find preschool books that reduce the emphasis on gender and promote gender equity.
Criterion 1: Did the author tell the entire story without mentioning gender?
Merely by mentioning gender in a book we send the message that gender is someone’s most important quality and awaken gender stereotypes our child has learned elsewhere. By not mentioning gender, our child is able to fully experience the lessons and messages of the story, which might be: friends can have conflict and work things out, sometimes we are sad and that’s okay, our imaginations can come up with amazing adventures, etc.
Criterion 2: Did the artist illustrate the entire story without contributing to gender stereotypes?
What we see matters. When our kids see illustrations featuring stereotypes (such as girl characters with exaggerated eyelashes or wearing something pink, and boy characters wearing blue or ball caps), they get the message that girls must look and act certain ways and boys must look and act certain ways.
Criterion 3: Is there counter stereotyping?
Showing the opposite of a stereotype is a powerful way to erode it. Examples are showing a boy happily cuddling a baby or a girl swinging a bat with expert skill. Another way a book can counter stereotypes is by not mentioning gender. This puts gender in the background where it belongs.
Criterion 4: Are kids with different gender representations interacting with mutual respect, skill, and admiration?
Toddlers reading books that contain both girls and boys positively interacting, working, and playing together learn to do this in real life. When boys mostly read books with only boy main characters, they do not learn enough about interacting with mutual respect with girls. When girls only read books with either boy main characters or girl main characters, they do not learn enough about how to interact with boys with confidence.
Criterion 5: Does the girl character have agency?
Having agency is a powerful way to demonstrate that girls make things happen with their bodies and with their brains. It can be demonstrated by showing a girl’s body in motion, seeing her straining her muscles with exertion, and making things happen through her efforts. We need both girls and boys to know that girls are important contributors. Too many books have girl characters merely standing, sitting still, or being observers of boys’ more interesting antics. We need illustrations of girls that show their muscles, and that demonstrate them using their bodies to push, pull, climb, sprint, jump, and so on. We also need books that show girls making something happen through their efforts, such as building a birdhouse, moving rocks for a fort, rolling a wheelbarrow of toys, shooting a basketball, rescuing a friend, and so on.
Criterion 6: Does the book’s story represent any of the Guiding Principles?
The Guiding Principles of Gender Equity Parenting focus on qualities in people that make the world more equitable and fuel gender equity. Seeing these traits demonstrated in a story helps children learn more about them.
Criterion 7: Are girls the main characters or do they share the spotlight equally with boy characters?
Too many books don’t have girl characters at all (particularly those read by boys) or only have them as secondary characters when boys are present. We need books with girls as main characters (that boys also read) and, even better, books with girls and boys both as main characters. This way both girls and boys learn that girls are equally important contributors in life.
Criterion 8: Is the writer and/or illustrator a woman?
Historically women have been underrepresented among writers, illustrators, and publishers. Yet they are half the population. By staying aware of who created a book, we can continue to ensure that women’s voices are heard and fairly represented.
Action steps
1) Look over this list of preschool books rated with the Equity 8™ tool. Each book title links to a chart detailing its rating. In some charts, there are tips on how to make the most of that book.
2) Enjoy the highly rated Equity 8™ books (6 stars or higher). (Buy or borrow them from the library.) Read them, before sharing them with your kids, and notice your experience as you read them. Then share them with your kids. (Note: as children pick up on our level of authentic enthusiasm with everything we do, be aware of yours when reading.)
3) Print out an Equity 8™ chart and use it as a tool to evaluate other books in your home.
4) For more information on current brain research, go to this article and video.
5) Help grow this list of highly rated books by sending in your ideas.
6) To find out more about introducing gender to kids, read the answer in the FAQ section to: “My toddler is learning words, including important ones to identify gender. I'd appreciate suggestions on approaching this learning phase.”
7) Share this post with the people in your life who care about kids.
8) Sign up as a subscriber to this site. As a group, we can influence publishers, writers, and illustrators to create more books with gender equity.
* “Their” and “they” used as singular pronouns.
1 Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society, and Neurosexism Create Difference, Cordelia Fine, page 236
2 Parenting Beyond Pink & Blue: How to Raise Your Kids Free of Gender Stereotypes, Christia Spears Brown, Ph.D., page 103
3 Parenting Beyond Pink & Blue: How to Raise Your Kids Free of Gender Stereotypes, Christia Spears Brown, Ph.D., page 107
Do we have 100% control over something that fuels sexism?
We do.
We can control 100% of what comes out of our mouths: the words we say.
We can use words that really and truly include everyone such as “Hi, Everyone” or “Hi,” instead of saying “Hi, Guys” or “You guys.”
“Guys” is a “gendered term,” meaning it links to one gender while excluding everyone else.
The impact of using gendered terms is damaging, particularly when the gender referred to has a long history of holding positions of power over others (and in many contexts still does).* “Verbal communication is one of the most powerful means through which sexism and gender discrimination are perpetrated and reproduced,” explain Michela Menegatti and Monica Rubini in their research published by Oxford University Press.
Gendered terms “are not neutral.”
“They make women [and girls] disappear in mental representations,” making the first and automatic assumption in our brains a male. This impacts whose opinion seems more accurate, who is viewed as deserving that raise, who just seems “right” for the job, and so on.
Some of us know all this and still keep using “guys” to address groups of people. What could our reasons be?
- We insist that when we say it, we mean everyone (regardless of how the recipients feel).
- We think it’s not important enough to change. We’re more concerned with problems like the gender wage gap, the disparity of female CEOs, etc. (Yet our words shape our thoughts; us tolerating words that don’t really include girls and women mirrors us tolerating men being promoted over women, boys being groomed for leadership and girls being groomed for subservience, and so on.)
- We’re okay with the word “guys,” so everyone else needs to be fine with it, too. It’s their problem, not ours. (Would we also say that about words connected to race?)
- We don’t want to change what we’re doing as that feels hard, might be uncomfortable, or take daily attention. Other people can do that.
- We’re fine with women and girls being invisible and being overshadowed by men and boys.
- We tried to not say “guys,” but it didn’t work.
Or could it be?:
- We’re fine with the harmful consequences of gendered terms, such as boys growing up to think they are the main characters of life and girls and women are merely their supporting cast; girls learning to defer to boys whenever they have a disagreement (and boys expecting them to); or a man being given the benefit of the doubt over a woman’s perspective every time; and so on.
- We want to say whatever we want regardless of the impact on other people. That is our freedom and our right. (Would we also say that about words connected to race?)
- We desire being liked by patriarchal-minded men more than our desire for equality for women and girls.
Do we see ourselves in these reasons? Is there a disconnect between our words and what we say we believe? Is that who we want to be?
If we’re ready to make the change, here are some alternatives for addressing groups of people.
To make this change work, we need to apply ourselves. We need to practice using the new term over and over again. We need to use it intentionally multiple times a day as we talk to people, so that it has a chance to become automatic. It may feel awkward at first or hard. This is a normal part of changing our behavior. The staff at the Mayo Clinic Healthy Living Program report it takes 18 to 200 repetitions to form a habit. Intentional repetition works, and this is a very worthwhile habit to instill.
Once we pick our new word, how will we remind ourselves to use it?
- Wear a special wristband.
- Keep a small card in our pocket that explains our commitment. Have more on hand to give people who address groups we are in as “guys.”
- Put sticky notes where they’ll be most helpful.
- Set an alarm on our phone.
- Put a sticker on our phone.
- Carry a small token in our pocket or hand (a smooth rock, a shell, a coin, etc.).
- Ask for friendly reminders from others.
- Repeat the new word over and over in our minds.
- Use the new word every time we greet or address a group of two or more people.
Making change is possible. We’ve done it before for other things.
This change is worthwhile and necessary if we care about gender equity. Every time we use inclusive words to address people, we are weakening sexism and fueling fairness. How will you use your words today?
*Four examples of the overrepresentation of one-half of the population and the underrepresentation of the other half:
1) Who is telling the stories that shape us?
Below are the five companies that dominate the media content that exists in the world. As women are half the population, are they represented fairly with 50% of their Boards and Executive Teams?
- Time Warner. 20% of Board, 27% of Executives, men head both groups
- Disney. 44% of Board, 21% of Executives, men head both groups
- News Corporation. 27% of Board, 45% of Executives, men head both groups ; 22% of Leadership
- Viacom. 55% of Board. (Excellent work with the Board, Viacom), 30% of Executives, men head both groups
- Bertelsmann of Germany. 0% of Board, 37% of Executives, men head both groups
2) Whose stories has the Academy recognized with a Best Director award in the last 20 years?
3) In the world of sports, who is governing softball in the United States?
4) Who has held the highest office in the land?
Action steps
Share this post with others.
2) Add your perspective to the #IAMNOTAGUY and #IMNOTAGUY conversation on Twitter.
3) Pick your favorite word from this list and start practicing. Decide how you want to remind yourself and start doing so.
4) Buy special wristband to show your commitment and be part of the movement to use gender-fair terms.
5) Order these business-card-size responses and hand them out to people who address you as “guys.”
6) Speak up (using using nonviolent communication skills) when people address a group with “guys,” and give them an alternative. Here are two sample strategies for speaking up.
7) Continue learning about gendered language, starting with these three resources, so you can spread this important information to others.
8) Download this list of alternatives and post it somewhere helpful.
9) Write organizations mentioned in this post and let them know how you want them to change.
What message are our kid’s clothes sending?
You may have noticed the same thing:
the huge difference in clothes bought by parents of boys versus parents of girls.
I’m talking about leggings.
“I can’t control what’s in the store,” a parent might say. Or “It’s just leggings. Get over it.”
I say, parents’ purchases of leggings relate directly to what we say we crave: gender equity.
For better or for worse, leggings are turning up almost everywhere, in all kinds of situations. “Online purchases of leggings [in 2016] were up 41% over the year prior, with the volume of orders surpassing orders of denim.” 1 Many schools and businesses have felt the need to address leggings in their dress codes.
Yet boys are not given leggings to wear when they go to the playground, school, or to run around with friends.*
The disparity is telling us something.
Parents dressing their little girls in leggings and not their little boys are sending their kids the message, however unconsciously, that girls’ bodies are meant to be on display. They are perpetuating the attitude that a major part of a girl’s value is as a visual aesthetic for others’ enjoyment and consumption. They are offering up her young, toned body like a public commodity for anyone who chooses to look.
While the message about boys is that a boy’s value has very little to do with being a visual aesthetic for others. His body is private and owned by him alone.
With our clothing choices for our kids, we’re unintentionally raising our boys to expect girls to display their bodies for them and raising our girls to think they need to (or acquiesce to doing so).
These are problems, when you have the goal of gender equity.
As a solution, I propose everyone wears leggings.
Legging fans will tell you they’re comfortable, flattering, versatile, easy, and that their rear ends look great in them. If leggings’ virtues are so numerous, let’s stop being stingy about them and encourage everyone to wear leggings whenever they want.
No one needs to be excluded from their supposed benefits. The human body is indeed beautiful and no one needs to be excluded from showing it off.
If you are put off by my solution, you may be thinking:
“I don’t want to see boys in leggings.”
If so, consider what makes you uncomfortable about boys’ bodies or tight clothing on boys. Consider the messages you have been taught about boys. What message do you instead want to pass down to your children? Do you want your kids to think boys’ bodies are ugly, unwieldy or shameful—or that no one can enjoy gazing at a male body?
“Boys would never want to wear leggings.”
Think about how our culture has made it difficult for boys to feel good about wearing leggings. Perhaps you have made it difficult as well. Consider ways you could encourage boys to wear leggings. Remember, leggings are comfortable, easy, versatile, and so on.
“Boys’ genitalia make leggings impossible.”
How does shaming boys for their body parts or avoiding boys’ genitalia get in the way of our goal of gender equity? Consider what we could do differently that would make leggings possible for boys.
You might also be thinking that a piece of clothing doesn’t have a broader impact or that a piece of clothing doesn’t have anything to do with how we interact in the world.
When we choose our clothes for the day, we are recognizing, perhaps only unconsciously, that each piece of clothing is a unique experience, with specific qualities, and presents us in a certain way to the world. Scientists have also found that clothing communicates messages to the wearer as well as the observer. They’ve coined two terms, “embodied cognition” and “enclothed cognition,” to explain how our clothing influences us.
“Embodied cognition” recognizes that we think with our bodies as well as our brains, and that what we wear impacts how we interact with and view the world. If I’m wearing a tight-fitting tank top instead of a bulky sweater, part of my brain is aware that everyone around me can see my arms as well as the shape of my stomach, chest, and back. I may feel strong, weak, attractive, insecure, sexy, flabby, or fit when I think about you looking at my arms, stomach, chest or back. This awareness takes some of my attention and also influences how I act around you.
“Enclothed cognition” points out that we are influenced by the symbolic meaning of each article of clothing as well as the physical experience of wearing it. When I slip on a cashmere blazer I purchased at an elegant store, I am aware of the feel of the fabric, the careful details, the attentive customer service I experienced and the tailored professional look. I am aware of the people I have seen wearing blazers and their roles. The cashmere of the blazer may symbolize elegance and professionalism, so I feel more elegant and professional while I’m wearing it. I also feel its warm wool hugging my body and its soft cushion of fabric as I lean against my chair. Every article of clothing provides its unique experience to the wearer.
What we buy for our kids matters. Leggings are always a choice. If you buy and/or wear leggings, share the love.
Bring on the leggings.
1 http://time.com/4713921/leggings-history-origins/
* The few boys who do wear leggings are wearing them during exercise only, often under shorts, and then change into regular pants or shorts afterwards.
Action Steps
Look for Leggings For 7 days, look for leggings on everyone around you and focus on each person. Pay attention to the initial, lightning-fast thoughts that go through your mind when you see someone in leggings. Write them down and see what messages our culture has taught you.
Focus on Boys and Men One day this week, visualize every boy and man you see in leggings. Don’t rush this activity. Use your imagination and pay attention to detail.
Do a Switch When you see a woman and a man walking together, switch their outfits. Carefully imagine what their bodies would look like in each other’s outfit. Notice your thoughts and reactions. Do you feel indecent? Silly? Uncomfortable? Lecherous? Excited? Powerful? Ashamed?
What Do Our Clothes Say? On another day this week, take a look at the clothes you own. What changes would you like to make?
What Have We Been Buying? Take a look at your children’s clothing. What have you been purchasing? What could you start encouraging more of? What could you buy less of?
Try Something New If you usually wear leggings, research alternatives on the internet and experiment with them. Share what you like about them with your kids.
Leggings for All If you’re a man, buy a pair of leggings (if you don’t own them already) and wear them around the house. Notice your own experience of wearing them and the reactions of others. If you want to be bolder, wear them out in public. Again, notice your own experience and the reactions of others.
Share this post If you like something in this post, share the link with a friend or post on your favorite social media. Spreading this message helps build gender equity.
