How can I help raise my daughter not to feel obligated to hug people or smile at them just because they ask her to?
It sounds as if you want your daughter to know that her body is 100% hers to control and that she can be true to her feelings, even when both may not be convenient for (or acknowledged by) the people around her. Those are great lessons.
Below is an example of a conversation you could have with your daughter. This can be broken up into parts, depending on what feels right for you and your child.
“I noticed Sharon asked for a hug/told you to smile when you didn’t seem up for it. What did you think about it?”
Then, when the timing seems right:
“If someone asks you for a hug and you don’t want to, you can say, ‘No, thank you.’ You can also say, ‘I don’t feel like hugging right now.’ You are in charge of who you hug.
“Sometimes when some people hear ‘No, thank you,’ they are fine with it and understand. Sometimes when other people hear that, they act grumpy. That is okay. It is not your job to fix their grumpiness. You were polite and that is enough.
Variation: “If someone tells you to smile and you don’t feel like smiling, you can say ‘No, thank you.’ You can also say, ‘I don’t feel like smiling right now.’
“Sometimes when some people hear that, they understand and are fine with that answer. Sometimes when some other people hear that, they act grumpy. That is okay. It is not your job to fix their grumpiness. You were polite and that is enough.
“After I say no to someone’s request, I have sometimes found it helpful to change the subject afterwards. I can say, ‘No, thank you. (pause) I’d like to hear how you are doing’ or ‘No, thank you. (pause) What have you been up to today?’
“Let me know how this goes. If it doesn’t work, we can come up with something else.”
Other points:
“Sometimes you might be okay with giving a ‘high five’ instead. Then you could say, ‘No, thank you. I can give you a ‘high 5’ instead.’ ”
“It’s your body. You are the only one who decides what to do with it.”
“Listen to your feelings. Sometimes we feel like smiling and sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we feel like hugging and sometimes we don’t. That is how we are made.”
Modeling Gender Equity | Words That Identify Gender | Handling Disagreements With Life Partner | Benefits of Not Emphasizing Gender | Keeping Gender in the Background | How Critical to Knowing Someone Is Biological Sex or Gender? | Overcoming Uncomfortable Discussions About Reproductive Parts | Handling Stereotypical Behaviours | Handling “Be a Man” Directives Towards Son | Handling “Smile” or “Hug Me” Directives Towards Daughter | Suggest to P.E. Teacher Not to Divide Teams By Gender | Explaining Why Girls and Women in Children’s Books Have Long Hair | Using Other Adjectives When Praising Your Child | Handling Pronouns for Toddlers | Handing Pronouns for Younger School-Age Children | Handing Pronouns for Older School-Age Children
