How do I handle pronouns during the first years of my child’s life?
Because the English language doesn’t have a universally used, singular, gender-neutral pronoun yet, pronouns can be tricky. Until we have one, we need to experiment, share pronouns we like, and advocate for their use.
With pronouns, there are two priorities:
1) Address and counteract the overuse of male-oriented pronouns
2) Address the need for an inclusive pronoun
First priority
In many situations, our children hear and see the pronouns “he/his/him/himself” more than 90% of the time and “she/hers/her/herself” less than 10% of the time. That means our kids hear male-oriented pronouns approximately 9 times more, i.e. 900% more. That is an egregious contrast. Children learn what is important and who is important from our language, so our words are critical. Words shape our thoughts, our thoughts shape our actions, and our actions shape our world.1
Many kids’ books we’ve been raised on as “classics” or “favorites” leave out half the population.
What message is that sending our boys? What message is that sending our girls? For example, in the children’s book The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle, the pronoun “he” is written twenty-one (21) times, “himself” one (1) time, and “his” one (1) time. “She/her/hers/herself” are written exactly zero (0) times. In another children’s book, The Baby BeeBee Bird by Diane Redfield Massie, every single animal involved in the story plus the zookeeper is a “he.” In that book, “he” is read twelve (12) times, “his” three (3) times, “him” two (2) times, and “himself” one (1) time. Not a single “she/her/hers/herself” is written. This is unconscionable.
To counteract this huge disparity, we need to use female pronouns (she/hers/her/herself) exclusively (or as close as possible) in environments we can control, our homes, until age 4.* Similar to how babies learn language before they actually speak their first word, kids learn which words are important before they fully understand the impact of the words. The more we repeat a word, the more a word will be in their vocabulary and “hard wired”** into their brains. Our kids will continue to hear he/him/his/himself outside our homes; male-oriented pronouns are already overrepresented. Our use of female-oriented pronouns is ensuring female-oriented words have “real estate” in our kids’ brains—directly analogous to girls and women having their rightful place in our culture.
I recommend using female pronouns, too, when talking about inanimate objects like stuffed animals, toys, car seats, tables, etc. until age 4 so we have enough female pronouns in our vocabulary at home. Without that, we may not be using female-oriented pronouns enough to counteract what our kids hear outside our homes. Leaving out “he” in our language is not enough. We need to use more “she” to truly build these words into our children’s vocabularies. (If using “she” feels too odd to use for things, you can use “it” for inanimate objects.)
Complementing this, I recommend calling toys what they actually are. I have heard many adults refer to a dinosaur or other toys as “this guy,” a male-oriented term. Instead, we need to say, “this dinosaur,” “this car,” or “this stuffed animal.”
To gauge how effective our use of pronouns is with our child, we can observe their spoken language (when they’re old enough to speak). If our child uses “she” as much as “he” or “they,” or more so, we’ll know our work is paying off. If not, we need to increase our use of female pronouns.
You may be wondering, why not just jump right to using “they”?
Too many times girls and women, and words associated with girls and women, have been treated secondarily, or left out altogether. This fuels sexism.
Examples of this are many, from the absence of “women” or “she” in our U.S. Constitution to which civil rights leaders received the spotlight (on link, scroll down to photo titled “Civil rights leaders”) to the focus of the gay rights movement.
Jumping from using “he/him/his” for everything to “they/them/theirs” is bypassing girls and women once again—something we do not want to do if we value gender equity.
Second priority
When we are outside our homes and/or in situations where using “she/hers/her/herself” doesn’t feel comfortable, we can use “they/theirs/their/themselves.” This role models using these inclusive pronouns for our child as well as the people we come in contact with. Alternative pronouns, called neopronouns, are also available.
By using pronouns intentionally with our child and the other people in our lives, we are powerfully and positively influencing our surroundings.
Action steps:
Step one:
Observe others. Listen and look for how pronouns are used around you, particularly in communication with children: stories, songs, characters, and other media forms. Observe which pronouns are used more than others and to what degree more.
Step two:
Notice yourself. Listen and look at your own use of pronouns when talking to yourself, children or other adults, and in your writing.
Step three:
Counteract the disparity you’re seeing with action. Use female-oriented pronouns at home and use they/them/theirs outside your home.
Step four:
Continue to educate yourself. Learn about Sweden’s official gender neutral pronoun and Neopronouns. What pronouns do you want others to use when referring to you? You may be ready for something new.
1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKK7wGAYP6k
*Some child-development professionals believe that gender identity is not a factor until age 4. It is arguable even then whether gender is a factor.
** https://www.idra.org/resource-center/brain-development-and-mastery-of-language-in-the-early-childhood-years/
Modeling Gender Equity | Words That Identify Gender | Handling Disagreements With Life Partner | Benefits of Not Emphasizing Gender | Keeping Gender in the Background | How Critical to Knowing Someone Is Biological Sex or Gender? | Overcoming Uncomfortable Discussions About Reproductive Parts | Handling Stereotypical Behaviours | Handling “Be a Man” Directives Towards Son | Handling “Smile” or “Hug Me” Directives Towards Daughter | Suggest to P.E. Teacher Not to Divide Teams By Gender | Explaining Why Girls and Women in Children’s Books Have Long Hair | Using Other Adjectives When Praising Your Child | Handling Pronouns for Toddlers | Handing Pronouns for Younger School-Age Children | Handing Pronouns for Older School-Age Children
