How do I handle pronouns with my older school-age child?
Here is a sample of how you could start a conversation with your older child, plus various points you can add when it feels appropriate. At any time, you can ask your child, “What do you think?” and focus on listening.
“I’d like to talk to you about something.
“You may have noticed that I use a variety of pronouns when I am talking about people, such as ‘they, she, he, or it.’
“You may also have come across some teachers and kids who are talking about different pronouns to use. What do you think about it?”
Points you can bring up when appropriate:
“I prefer using a gender-neutral pronoun, like ‘their,’ because then my focus stays on the person as a person.” (Note: You would state your own preference here.)
“For a long time, the pronoun ‘they’ meant two or more people. Now some people like using ‘they’ for an individual person, while other people only want to use ‘they’ for two or more people. Some people will even get angry at people who use ‘their’ for one person. When someone is angry about pronouns, know that their feelings have nothing to do with you.”
“With your teachers, I’m guessing some of them may want students to use only certain pronouns. What has your experience been?”
“For a long time, many people have been using ‘she’ only if a person has certain genitals and reproductive parts (a vulva and a uterus) and then only using ‘he’ if the person has different genitals and reproductive parts (a penis and scrotum). Some people will also want to use ‘she’ if a person has long hair or is wearing a dress, and ‘he’ if a person has short hair and not wearing a dress.”
“Some teachers, other adults, and kids are still figuring out what words to use when talking about people. We used to have specific words and now we know those words are not enough.”
“New pronouns are being used by some people, such as xe/xem/xyr. I can show you a website that has information on these new pronouns when you’re ready.”
https://www.mykidisgay.com/blog/defining-neopronouns
“I now realize the benefits of having a gender-neutral pronoun for an individual and wish we had one to easily use.”
“Some kids might say ‘you’re wrong’ for the words you use. Some teachers may say that, too. Know that you can decide to use words your teacher wants when you’re at school and use other words at home. It’s up to you.”
“Your teachers may want you to only use ‘they’ for two or more people. Your teachers may also want you to only use ‘she’ and ‘he’ for individuals. If you run into a difficult or unfair situation, please let me know. I can just listen or we can figure out what to do together.”
Modeling Gender Equity | Words That Identify Gender | Handling Disagreements With Life Partner | Benefits of Not Emphasizing Gender | Keeping Gender in the Background | How Critical to Knowing Someone Is Biological Sex or Gender? | Overcoming Uncomfortable Discussions About Reproductive Parts | Handling Stereotypical Behaviours | Handling “Be a Man” Directives Towards Son | Handling “Smile” or “Hug Me” Directives Towards Daughter | Suggest to P.E. Teacher Not to Divide Teams By Gender | Explaining Why Girls and Women in Children’s Books Have Long Hair | Using Other Adjectives When Praising Your Child | Handling Pronouns for Toddlers | Handing Pronouns for Younger School-Age Children | Handing Pronouns for Older School-Age Children
