How do I role model gender equity in my household for my children?

It’s great that you want to role model gender equity in your home and you can definitely do it. Your home is the place you have the most control over and can make your gender equity goals a reality.

Here are some ways to consider working towards that goal.

• Write down all of the tasks you do to keep your home running the way you like and all you do to take care of your family. Next, write down all the tasks your partner does. The time it takes to do this is worth it. If you notice that tasks are falling along stereotypical lines, give yourself grace about it. That dynamic shows how easy it is to fall into stereotyped tasks and prescribed gender roles.

• Now take your list and pick a task you don’t normally do. Start learning how to do it. I recommend doing internet research and seeing what’s available at the library to help with your learning. You can also ask people you admire who are competent in this skill. Note that some spouses or other people in our lives are not the best people to be teaching us new skills. This can be for a variety of reasons, including how attached we can all become to having something done the same way we do it.

• Identify what support you need as you’re learning these new skills and stretching yourself as a person. These can include coaching, reading books, therapy, consulting, on-line support groups, journaling, supportive friends, or a mentor. You’ll want to find professionals who believe in and live by gender-equity principles, as many professionals will undermine (sometimes unintentionally) your efforts with their gender biased comments or viewpoints, which can be unconscious as well as conscious.

Reward yourself along the way frequently for the progress you are making in learning a new skill.

• Once you have some competence in the skill, start doing the task more often.

• Work toward doing the task often and switching off with your partner, i.e. sometimes you do the task, sometimes your partner does. If you don’t have a set schedule for switching off (such as you are in charge of January and your partner is in charge of February), write notes to yourself on your calendar. This way you won’t slip back into not doing the task.

• Once you’ve learned a task well enough (no need for perfection), pick another task you don’t normally do and repeat this process.

Repeat this process until you are able to do every single task that is needed to run a household and raise a family. Celebrate this accomplishment in a big way!

When you are ready to involve your partner, pick a task you normally do and have a conversation with your partner. Request that your partner start learning how to do this task. Depending on who your partner is, this can be a smooth to rocky process. Think about past requests you have made that led to successful results. Consider copying that method.

The conversation might include:

I think our kids would benefit from seeing you do _________. What resources do you need to start feeling comfortable doing it?

If your first request to your partner is not accepted, wait a week or so and then make a different request. All the while you are doing your tasks and learning regardless of what your partner agrees to do.

• For a gender equity home, the emphasis can be on you, your role modeling and your demonstration of your abilities. Bring your partner into the process as much as possible. If your partner doesn’t fully participate, know that you can still show gender equity through your efforts.

• Reward yourself often and acknowledge all that you are doing, overcoming and accomplishing. Find support and use it.

• If after learning about a task, you choose to not do it on a regular basis, make it a personal choice and not a generalization about gender. For example, if you are a female and decide not to lift or move heavy objects in your home, it would be more helpful (and accurate) to say, “If I lifted weights, I would be stronger and able to move that or lift that. Since I don’t lift weights, I don’t feel comfortable doing it.” Say that instead of “Let’s get a man to do this” or “We need some muscles. Where are the men?” or “I am a woman/girl, so I can’t do it.” Or if you are a male and decide not to mend your clothes with a needle and thread, again make it an individual choice such as “My eyesight isn’t good enough to thread the needle,” “I would rather pay someone else to do this,” rather than “Women just have a knack for sewing,” “Men are all thumbs when it comes to sewing,” or “This needs a woman’s touch.” Using our muscles and fine-motor skills are choices we all make.

• I anticipate you’ll learn a lot about yourself and the people around you in this process. Since you’ll be doing new things, continue to find ways to stay motivated and supported.

Role modeling gender equity in your home is a gift to your children and the world. Thank you for taking this on.

Return to the Frequently Asked Questions Page 

Modeling Gender Equity | Words That Identify Gender | Handling Disagreements With Life Partner | Benefits of Not Emphasizing Gender | Keeping Gender in the Background | How Critical to Knowing Someone Is Biological Sex or Gender? | Overcoming Uncomfortable Discussions About Reproductive Parts | Handling Stereotypical Behaviours | Handling “Be a Man” Directives Towards Son | Handling “Smile” or “Hug Me” Directives Towards Daughter | Suggest to P.E. Teacher Not to Divide Teams By Gender | Explaining Why Girls and Women in Children’s Books Have Long Hair | Using Other Adjectives When Praising Your Child | Handling Pronouns for Toddlers | Handing Pronouns for Younger School-Age Children | Handing Pronouns for Older School-Age Children