I’m not comfortable talking to my kids about genitals and reproductive parts. What do I do?
Consider this. If we don’t talk about genitals as the reason one child is called a girl and another child is called a boy, kids will find other reasons for explaining these categories—and those reasons will contribute to the stereotypes we are most wanting to avoid.
While living their lives, kids will notice who’s the hero in the stories they’re watching/reading and who isn’t, who is teased for crying and who isn’t, whose gender is used as an insult and whose isn’t, who is shown playing sports on TV most frequently and who isn’t, who is admired for displaying and decorating their body and who isn’t, who is supposed to play rough and who isn’t, and so on.
These clues (for what makes a child a girl or a boy) become cemented in our kids’ brains as unerring facts because we haven’t given them any other explanations.
Without us even realizing it, our kids make constant adjustments to their own behavior based on these messages so they’ll fit these categories; all while narrowing their aspirations, activities, interests, displayed character traits, choices in friends, etc.
You mentioned not feeling comfortable talking about genitals. It’s great to notice that. Sometimes our discomfort is tied to our own pain, shame, or fear. Talking to a professional therapist can be helpful for resolving these difficult feelings. When we are aware of our feelings and their origins, we can begin to consciously choose what we want or don’t want to pass onto our kids.
Being confident and comfortable talking about genitals is linked to being more able to talk about subjects related to genitals, such as non-consensual touching, health problems, confusing feelings, and understanding myths versus facts.
We can ask ourselves:
- When growing up, what messages did I learn about genitals?
- What am I afraid will happen if my child is comfortable talking about genitals?
- When I or my children don’t talk about genitals comfortably, who benefits?
- What messages are communicated if my children or I can’t talk about genitals comfortably?
Reading a children’s book on the subject over and over until we are comfortable reading it to our child can be helpful. Be aware that some books perpetuate stereotypes without intending to and cause more harm than good. One book that could work is It’s So Amazing by Robie H. Harris and Michael Emberley, though you will likely need to make modifications. I often make edits to books so their messages fit what I want to pass on to children. For older children, they wrote It’s Perfectly Normal. In general, I would rather give children information about their bodies, health, and safety too early rather than too late. By doing so, kids learn their parents’ values while learning about these topics, rather than after they’ve heard about sex or puberty from less reliable sources. For kids going into high school, or earlier, there’s the book S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Progressive Sexuality Guide to Get You Through High School and College by Heather Corinna. There are an increasing number of books for understanding transgender people as well.
Modeling Gender Equity | Words That Identify Gender | Handling Disagreements With Life Partner | Benefits of Not Emphasizing Gender | Keeping Gender in the Background | How Critical to Knowing Someone Is Biological Sex or Gender? | Overcoming Uncomfortable Discussions About Reproductive Parts | Handling Stereotypical Behaviours | Handling “Be a Man” Directives Towards Son | Handling “Smile” or “Hug Me” Directives Towards Daughter | Suggest to P.E. Teacher Not to Divide Teams By Gender | Explaining Why Girls and Women in Children’s Books Have Long Hair | Using Other Adjectives When Praising Your Child | Handling Pronouns for Toddlers | Handing Pronouns for Younger School-Age Children | Handing Pronouns for Older School-Age Children
