My toddler is learning words, including important ones to identify gender. I’d appreciate suggestions on approaching this learning phase.
We have been told at every turn, in every possible way, and by seemingly every expert under the sun that it is “important” to tell our children as quickly as possible whether someone is a girl or a boy, a woman or a man.
I disagree.
I believe that telling our children too early about gender and biological sex shatters their ability to fully experience themselves and fully engage in the world.
Because babies and toddlers are developmentally primed to absorb (and put in “cement”) what we tell them, they are imprinted with what we focus on. If we concentrate on gender as the primary way to describe a person, character or animal (such as “Look at the boy climbing”), we are imprinting on our young child that this is the most important way to define anyone or anything. We are giving the message that girls and boys are so significantly different that we must immediately label them just as we must label poison differently from food. If we applied this same vigilance to animals, we couldn’t just say, “tiger,” we would always need to say “girl tiger” and “boy tiger,” and immediately and harshly correct a child who says it “wrong.”
It’s common for us to tell our kids, “Look at the little girl on the swing,” “See the boy in the green hat?,” “Come on, boys, we need to go,” and “Girls, time for breakfast.” We also say, “Look at the man running” and “See the woman at the counter?”
Yet as soon as we tell little kids who’s a girl and who’s a boy, and which one they are, we have cut them and their world in half.
What the world has to offer, the qualities children are allowed/encouraged to express, and the activities they’re allowed/encouraged to pursue will be split in two. The infant and preschooler period, “…is the worst possible age to focus on gender,” says Cristia Spears Brown in her book Parenting Beyond Pink and Blue, as “this is the age when children are highly focused on adults [and how adults explain things] so that they can learn about the world.” (1)
From that moment onward, when a young child sees a boy doing something, they* will first see a boy—not a kid—and assume that whatever the boy is doing is not for girls and vice versa. We cannot prevent our children from doing this, as their brains—once given the categories—will apply the categories continually. Toddlers will view this categorization as critical, because adults around them say it constantly and apply it to every person they see. Even if we tell them, “You can do anything,” we have made that impossible by emphasizing gender too much and too soon. As young children, they will stop looking within themselves to find out what they enjoy or are drawn to. Instead they will first think about their gender (though often unconsciously) and then look for clues outside themselves as to what is okay. Instead of concentrating on having fun with others, children will police their peers to make sure they follow these very important rules.
The alternative I recommend is referring to all people by their age groups or phases of life, not their gender.
We can say, “That kid is tired,” “See the person riding a bike?,” “Oh, the baby is looking at you,” and “The grown-up by the slide is helping a child put on a jacket.” These sentences communicate about the world and the people in it, without gender. These example sentences also don’t have pronouns, which make them even more inclusive.
By using phases of life, young kids will learn who the big people are (grown-ups/adults)**, who to be particularly gentle with (babies/infants) and who their peers are (children/kids). Later we can add other categories, such as middle-schoolers, teens, young adults, etc. With this type of categorizing, kids’ potential and opportunities will not be cut in half in their early developmental years.
I realize these words or sentences may feel awkward at first. This is not because they are wrong, bad or harmful, but because we are simply not used to saying them. With repetition, they will become second nature. For further identifying people, we can look closer and come up with more specific descriptions. We can say, “Look at the group of children by the tree.” “See the grown-up in the orange shirt?” “Look at the baby with the ball.” “See the adult with crossed arms?”
When you do talk about gender and biological sex, which I recommend waiting until around age 4, I believe the focus needs to be on understanding genitals and reproductive parts. I realize some people are uncomfortable talking about genitals and reproduction.**** A resource for this conversation is the book It’s Not the Stork by Robie H. Harris, though it needs modifications. I often need to alter books to make sure they reflect the messages I want to pass on to kids. You can make the modifications that feel right for you. When discussing transgender people, you can start with an explanation of how biological sex and gender are different. There are an increasing number of children’s books on being transgender [link to recommend books on a transgender site: https://pflag.org/transkidsbooks]. I like to explain that someone’s genitals have nothing to do with who that person is or what they like to do; that it’s important for each of us to be curious and kind with each individual we meet, to learn who they are.
Once we talk about genitals, reproductive parts, and gender with our kids, we can then go right back to referring to people based on their phase of life.
Doing so will communicate to our kids that individuals are people first, and genitals, reproductive parts and gender don’t need to shape every interaction or experience. When our kids are older, we can talk with them about the complexities of culture, gender roles, stereotyping, etc.
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(1) Parenting Beyond Pink and Blue, page 12
* Using “their” and “them” as singular pronouns
**I realize at some point it’s also important to learn how to identify safe and unsafe grown-ups.
***Because our culture has made gender so prominent, there are times when we are required to say our gender/biological sex, for example, when joining some sports teams, sporting competitions, or schools.
****See related question in this FAQ section.
Modeling Gender Equity | Words That Identify Gender | Handling Disagreements With Life Partner | Benefits of Not Emphasizing Gender | Keeping Gender in the Background | How Critical to Knowing Someone Is Biological Sex or Gender? | Overcoming Uncomfortable Discussions About Reproductive Parts | Handling Stereotypical Behaviours | Handling “Be a Man” Directives Towards Son | Handling “Smile” or “Hug Me” Directives Towards Daughter | Suggest to P.E. Teacher Not to Divide Teams By Gender | Explaining Why Girls and Women in Children’s Books Have Long Hair | Using Other Adjectives When Praising Your Child | Handling Pronouns for Toddlers | Handing Pronouns for Younger School-Age Children | Handing Pronouns for Older School-Age Children
