It can be very stressful, overwhelming, and discouraging to be surrounded by family members who have a way of thinking and behaving that is tied to subservience, domination and stereotypes.

Because of this, it’s particularly important for you to stay connected with your values and perspectives. Some ways to do this are to write down your thoughts on a regular basis, talk to a supportive friend, read books and listen to recordings that reflect your values, and find groups that are similarly minded. Over time you will learn how to explain your beliefs, find the evidence you want for your perspective, and buoy your spirit.

When ready, you can start to speak up about what is against your values. Start with a topic that feels easier to speak up about and practice honest and kind ways to explain yourself. See below for ideas.

Another strategy is to think of other times you’ve faced different opinions, such as on a school or work project, and how you spoke up for what you believed in. This strategy can decrease some of the difficult emotions tied to the topic and help you feel more confident about having a different point of view.

Also when you and your child are spending time together, you can explain your values whenever the timing feels right. Continue to do this as your child grows. You have power as your child’s parent. What you say and how you act are important.

Our children need to know our values and it is part of our job as parents. When we don’t make our values clear to our children, other influences move in.

Continue, too, being a living example of your values, speaking up, and having important and challenging conversations so your child will know where you stand. You are a powerful influence in your child’s life. Use that power. These conversations are also a great time to ask your child open-ended questions and listen to them.* When you disagree, you can respectfully “agree to disagree,” giving both of you time to mull over each other’s perspective.

To be more able to speak up in the moment, you can memorize one (or two) general phrase(s) ahead of time. In a stressful situation, you can say that phrase even if you can’t articulate your full points in that moment. This is a powerful way to advocate for yourself.

Examples of general phrases that can be used in a variety of situations:

• That hasn’t been my experience.
• That’s not how I see things.
• That’s not how I do things.
• Isn’t it interesting that there are other ways to think now?
• Isn’t it interesting that some people are doing things differently now?
• There are all sorts of ways to raise kids.
• Girls and boys are both capable of that.
• Not for me.
• Not for my kid.
• That’s an interesting perspective. I have a different one.
• That’s an interesting perspective. Mine is…
• That’s an interesting way to say it. I would say…
• We could do it that way. I like the idea of…[then suggest something that fits your values]

Examples of phrases for specific situations:

• When people require girls and boys to dress certain ways. “We could do it that way. I like the idea of having the kids wear all kinds of clothing.” (This acknowledges what you heard and then you can suggest something else.)
• When people want to create girls versus boys teams. “We could do it that way. Let’s make teams by using everyone’s birthday month. January through June over here.” (This acknowledges what you heard and then you can suggest something different.)
• When people are putting kids in gender roles. “Let’s shake things up a bit. Let’s give the kids a few choices and let them choose from there.”
• When the girls and women are expected to clean up while the boys and men relax. “That doesn’t sound fun for the people left to clean up. Let’s all chip in and get it done even faster.”
• Pink is for girls. Blue is for boys. “I think all the colors are for everyone.”
• “Girls and boys can both…”
• “…is for everyone.”
• “Crying is normal. I cry myself.”
• “I know plenty of boys who…”
• “I know plenty of girls who…”
• When people comment on your unusual clothing choices. “These are the clothes that work for us. There are so many ways to dress now.”
• When people comment on your unusual toys, activities and books for your child. “These are the toys/activities/books/rules that work for us. Isn’t it interesting that there are other ways to do things now?”
• When people say sexist comments or jokes in front of any kids. “I’ve learned those kinds of statements/jokes are poison for kids. I hope you’ll stop making them.”

* “Them/their” used as singular pronouns.